Reem BinAhmed

Sandbox

2011-10-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

When I hear “Life” I can’t help but picture a bubble web. Why shouldn’t I when it consists of many elements that are broken down into other elements which, when put together, form other elements. That was just one sentence and I have already used the word “elements” three times.

First there’s time made up of years that are made up of months, weeks and days all of which are made of minutes and seconds. Then there are places; the globe that includes your country, which includes your city that includes the streets you grew up on. And of course, there are all the people; people whom you call family, friends and acquaintances. All are yet again broken into groups of those you like and those you dislike. I find it hard to keep up with all the components of this web. But life, with all its elements, we live it!

There are times when, as human beings, we would like to be given the permission to think, feel and act like kids. We won’t stand responsible for our actions and someone else will always stand in the face of all bullets. We would make time stop and live with no margins. The only commitment in our schedules would be “bedtime”. So at such times, we do want to cut loose of all responsibilities because it is so exhausting to live as an adult. We adults are the best grads of Hollywood. Yes, we need to fake smiles, learn extra-sweet words and does it stop there? No, we have got to use them too.

Speaking of kids and childhood, sandboxes always held a special spot in my heart. Something about them is just very nostalgic. Back when I was a child, I remember our parents never had their eyes off us but as soon as we got into the sandbox it would suddenly become okay for us to stay unwatched. We had tiny bodies and the sandbox seemed like a whole desert. It was a different world, a different angle and a different climate altogether. What it did was more than just change the way we looked around us. In fact, it set a completely different mood. Not necessarily better, not necessarily worse – just different; more on “new”. In some occasions or situations, “new” would resemble “fresh”.

And so this sudden change or shift distracted us completely as we sank in the world of “imagination” and maybe “curiosity” too. That’s right, it gave our brains a little break from wondering why our parents were overprotective or why should they watch us all the time or why should we learn how to act a certain way or dress a certain way. And you know what I found out today? This experience we went through years and years ago is no different than the life we live today. Somehow, in my head, sandboxes represent that retreat we need to be at when adulthood gets so tiresome.

We should each find our own sandbox. Where we’re allowed to think that the entire world revolves around us – just for a while. Just for until we felt as though someone hit the “refresh” button. This sandbox of yours could be locking yourself up in your room for ten minutes, walking the dog, a quick drive, a quiet meeting room at your office, the theater or any place or activity that takes you as far as possible from “today” yet as close as possible to “you”. Consequently, Better decisions will be made, less conflict will take place and surely more smiles will be seen. My sandbox consists of a desk, a machine, my thoughts and the ability to express them in writing the way I just did!

Time: Destruction, Self-Construction, Happiness...?

2008-12-12T06:33:00.000-08:00

Probably one of the most valuable gifts we have as humans is time and one of the most valuable talents is managing this gift in a constructive manner. Although it’s a gift, time is also our biggest challenge. It is a challenge indeed for if there is one thing that is unstoppable in this universe; then it must be “time”.
In the scope of our everyday activities the number one element that plays the biggest role is “time” - at lest in most cases if not all!
Person A: Hey what’s up? So, is our plan for tonight still on?
Person B: Yup! You pick me up or I pick you up?
Person A: You pick me up! What time?
Person B: 8:00?
Person A: Are you mad? Make it 7:00…. If you pick me up at 8:00 we will never make it on time.

In the very simply conversation above, we see that they had a target. This target is a plan they aim to realize. Also, within their scope we notice that the most perceptible concern was “time”. Every event has its own share of time so do our deeds and actions. In other words, the situation or status we find ourselves in is but a result of how we made use of our time.

Consider the below:

Given no.1: Time could be used for our own benefit and/or that of others
Given no.2: Time could be used for our own destruction and/or that of others
CHALLENGE: Time is unstoppable!

An old man I once sat with pointed out something I found really interesting. He said, with those exact words, “As’hab al hiraf” (people of professions such as carpentry, painting, hairdressing, baking…etc) are probably the happiest people. I then imagined a carpenter for a second. In the image in my head was a carpenter with sharp serious features. A busy carpenter who would yet smile and wave back if a friend waved from far. A carpenter with a busy life as he worked all day and who knows, he might have a million deadlines to meet! Was he really happy? I wondered.

I asked this man as I asked myself: Why do you say so? Why are those people the happiest in your opinion? And so he answered: It only makes sense! If this person, let’s say a smith, is busy all day, even if he was the poorest person in town, do you think this smith or carpenter would have the time to even think of the unhappy moments he lived through? Or would he have the time to even see his unhappiness? No, because he doesn’t have time to feel bored or empty.

The above does not suggest that we should all leave our offices and become carpenters or smiths. The above is but a reminder that as we still have the gift of time still in our hands, why not use it in something constructive rather than building more piles of emptiness and bareness. This “emptiness and bareness”, in our everyday life English, are represented through the word: “Boredom”.

Very often people tend to stress on how bored they are or how unhappy they are. Other times, they could be stressing on how they find their life empty and meaningless. After dissing their lives they then get to a point where they start hating themselves as they think that they are useless and life would go on with or without them. Here’s the question: Why even think that way?! Go back to point zero and take a different direction. Have you considered using your “time” differently?

Time, the constant power and energy of an unstoppable intangible flow can in fact, if used well, reconstruct the hundred thousand million destructed mentalities in this world. But even with spreading awareness it is still hard to make those people “realize” how they destruct themselves when they use their time doing nothing. Stop whatever you’re doing. Think for a moment: What is the one positive thing I do best? For God’s sake even if it’s baking cupcakes, it’ll keep you busy from building a wall between you and the society. If you did not take this step and found one day that you’ve become a miserable people, then know that you’ve only got yourself to blame.

Well now, I hope you found this post useful.

Just When You Think You Know

2008-12-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

You started by knowing nothing. You knew absolutely nothing except what you’ve been spoon-fed at a very early age. You were fed, other than the baby fruity snack, the knowledge your parents wanted you to have. Little did you know and little did they know. A couple of years later, you found yourself in another circle where there was more than just your parents. Oops, school! We really thought that an error in this paper or a mark deducted from that test or this quiz was actually the end of the world. And here we are today amazed by the fact that some of the world’s most known inventors and scientists have struggled in school to the extent that some were considered slow and dumb. Little did those teachers know, huh!

Now, back to our present and back to our everyday life -

An interesting line I once read stated the following:

What’s popular is not always right, what’s right is not always popular

Such a captivating thought. While these words indicate that what the majority is doing is not necessarily the right thing to be doing, it also puts forward the search for deeper shrewdness and logic. Looking at the big picture: If “Yes” could be an answer and “No” could be another, interestingly enough you could be amazed by the other billion hundred possible answers between the “yes” and the “no”; such as “Why not…” or “yes, but…”.

There you go, not all tunnels lead to dead ends.

People struggle to reach to a point in their life where they feel satisfied as they hit a target. Then they realize that it completely does not meet their expectations. Now, these words are not said to make you think that every decision in your life was wrongly made. On the contrary, you could be the happiest person living a perfect life. The point is: Always be prepared for the better and the worse as life could be a bumpy ride at times.

Why does it not surprise you if someone were to tell you that the one person they thought they could trust is actually not a trustworthy person? Why does it not surprise you if someone were to tell you that after having spent ten happy years in a relationship they suddenly figured out that this is definitely not what they want from life? Why does it not surprise you to see someone apologizing to the person they’ve always accused wrongly and now realized that they are indeed innocent? Well, in short words: because these things happen!

Look at life from all angles before stepping into one of its doorsteps. Look at it this way: if you were standing by the window it is only normal that you would be able to see everything including the bed, the sofa, the doors but not the window. Likewise, if you were standing by the door you would be able to see everything but the door. In my opinion, this is the main reason why people get into arguments and land on situations of deep misunderstanding.

So, just when you think you know that you are right about something, think twice. And just when you think you know what makes you happy, think twice. And just when you think you know you are on the perfect path, think twice and picture a variety of options… because at many times you do not know, you just THINK you know.

Image taken from: http://gailsussmanmiller.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/thinking_about.jpg

Feelings

2008-03-17T02:41:00.000-07:00

Feelings, it is so amazing what you are. You are a ticking bomb waiting for a word or an action to occur so you could explode inside our bodies either to evoke a rush of anger or a sprinkle of joy. Sometimes it is neither this nor that and our brains think you’re dead. We do sometimes fear that we have lost our feelings and have become heartless, don’t we? Huh, humans! What do we know? Controlled by our feelings, our feet drag us to where our desires long to be. To what our curiosity longs to explore – sometimes to the future and sometimes back to years and years long forgotten only remembered because of a rush of our feelings. Oh well, humans are indeed so weak.

Feelings O’ feelings, what is it about you that has so much control over us? You have this force that contains us. Our thoughts, beliefs, actions and desires are all under your mercy. Sometimes you frighten us to death because we know you could lead us to hell. Yet, sometimes, we couldn’t describe the glee that fills us when our heartbeats flow slowly at steady tempo, knowing that we’re not broken. What is it about you, you intangible thing?

You are a vague dish with different seasonings. Every bite is a flavor and we just can’t hate you because just when we start despising you, you pinch us with a new reality – one which we love and want. Yes, sometimes it is us who choose what we want to feel. It is not completely out of our control. And here comes a sense of hope, optimism – yet still wowed by the force which overtakes us when controlled by our feelings.

I’m going through a rough day, excuse me if I have totally lost it and made no sense! Moving from the “za7ma” stage (previous post), I now find myself living the “Turning in Circles” stage.

I now leave you with one of my favorite old songs Time After Time (year 1984) but this performance is in 2006:

My life TODAY

2008-03-03T02:15:00.000-08:00

My life at the moment is

"ZA7MA"

Za7ma: Arabic term referring to "crowded"

Media Law and Ethics

2008-02-19T03:04:00.000-08:00

[ Studying "Law and Ethics" is nonsense because we all lie and we all cheat. If you start denying, you will only prove me right ]

I threw that statement in a moment of anger just because I knew I will have to get up very early each morning to attend this extra boring class (Media Law and Ethics). But now that I am in a good mood, I am rethinking and wondering about what I said.

having given that statement.... to what extent do you think it's true? And to what extent do you think not?

I think that it is essential and vital to study the law and ethics especially if you are entering the media field, but come on, we do all lie and cheat to some extent. (Generally speaking, at least)

Autumn Leaves - Eva Cassidy

2008-02-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

One of the best sad songs I ever heard. It really touches the soul with the beauty of its lyrics. At some point, a tear ran down my cheek when I heard it for the first time.

The Lyrics:

The falling leaves drift by my window
The falling leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Lonely Nights

2008-02-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

You’re sitting with a bunch of friends or family members; you talk and share some laughs and giggles over a meal or a snack. You feel the liveliness of your surrounding; you hear the different voices and tones, you also feel the motion that surrounds the place. Nope, you’re not alone. Not yet, at least...

Time passes. It starts to get late. People gradually surrender and leave. Finally, you are left alone. You just know that you will live a very long mind-numbingly lonely night. The worst thing is that you know as a fact that this will happen tomorrow and after that and the next week and the week that follows; just the way it happened last night and the night before for the past few years. I’m always the last person to sleep and sometimes I don’t sleep at all. This problem has been bothering me for years. I’ve tried everything. I read books, I wrote poems, I watched movies and TV shows, I download sleeping therapy audio pieces such as “Water Creations”… Still, I stay awake.

Some nights, I find myself begging people to stay on the phone with me till I have fallen asleep because the night sometimes seems to not reach to en end. It is scary. The wind seems to carry voices and whispers; your imagination then takes you to places you don’t want to go. The more you curse this solitude the lonelier you feel.

It’s not always bad. Sometimes, in fact, I can’t wait till everybody leaves and the night is all mine to own. There is something about the quiet of the night that feels magically soothing. Sometimes it feels like ultimate “peace”. However, it is ironic how this silence urges you to appreciate the lively persona of day-life if that makes any sense to you.

So you helplessly live the lonely hours. You take a walk inside your mind and you recall your past, analyze your present and try to imagine bits and pieces of your future. In this little journey you stumble, you tremble, you feel strong and sometimes weak, you smile and sometimes cry, you breathe smoothly and sometimes struggle to suck some oxygen into your lungs… and time just stops. Nothing else seems to exist but yourself. Everybody else is but a dead corpse. That is the freaky part.

Wait, there is a freakier part: somehow, you also die just like the rest. And just like them, with God’s will you also come back to life again in the morning.

Lonely nights do kill and they sure do set your imagination free to take you to places you don’t expect.

Tonight, my little brother is very sick. I’m taking care of him so I’m not totally alone. This reminds me of the Arabic saying: Ma9a2ebo 8awmin 3inda 8awmin fawa2ido. Poor Khalid. I do feel bad for him, don’t get me wrong haha.

Anna Bessonova

2007-12-19T03:41:00.000-08:00

Anna Bessonova, one of my favorite gymnasts ever. She has a million magical performances. However, the one performance that, in my opinion, was the most enchanting is her entry in the Olympics 2004.
I remember I was in a hotel room deadly bored and freezing. Keeping myself warm under the cozy blanket I was watching the gymnastics back in 2004 and that’s when her turn came and I got so excited. Not only was I happy to see her perform but the song she chose is one of my favorite, as well. I mean come on, who doesn’t madly love “My All” by Mariah Carey.

Here’s the video for you to enjoy…

And oh, in 2005 she also performed for the Swan Lake Gala and I don’t think I need to talk about how amazing that piece of music is…. Let alone Bessonova’s marvelous performance.

This video is from the Swan Lake Gala:

Decision Making

2007-12-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Here’s how I look at it: To decide is to double click on a subject and just get into it, whereas to be reluctant is to right-click on it and rove around the options.

Yes, decision-making is not easy at all. But it doesn’t have to be a pain. A good decision-maker is not one who never makes a false decision. Not at all! A good decision maker is one who knows how to “never regret” their actions. Yet, most importantly they should “never show” their disappointment with their very own decision. People never know what tomorrow holds, and likewise, they never know what’s behind each and every door.

So, decision-making is like gambling of some sort, but is it? Not completely and here’s why:

Not all decisions are yours to make. Wherever you are and whatever you believe in, be you a child, an adult, a Muslim, a Jew, a teacher, an athlete, an actor, a writer or a dancer; there will always be a set of either or both written or non-written rules to which we all abide. If you’re smart, you would take a daring step approaching your goal through a decision you make which abides to the written and unwritten rules. But at the same time your decision has to smash all the other decisions around it and speaking from a marketing perspective, that’s the way to success and that’s the route leading to exclusivity.

Here is a smarter thought: Can you function in such way that complements and supplements others’ functions but still be so exclusive in your own frame of uniqueness?

So are all decisions directly yours to make? No! But can they indirectly be totally yours? Well, Let’s just say that your capability of completely being in control over the stirring wheels really depends on how smart you can be in driving.

If you were a sailboat.

2007-11-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with this song.

Katie Melua is in deed amazing. All her songs are classy and deeply meaningful.

As to this song, something about the lyrics is just so special and intriguing.

XX enjoy XX

First Impression Vs Facade

2007-11-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

For every person you meet for the first time, there is that first impression that carves itself into your mind. That, we all agree on! Now, very seldom do we ever think of what could happen once this impression changes. You see, this is when enemies become friends or when lovers strip their hearts and souls off all the emotions they once shared with their lovers. Yup, that’s when they put on the flags of indifference above their front doors!

Some wounds are of pleasure. Others are of real hurt and pain. It evokes pleasure when your emotions unexpectedly crash into satisfaction and glee after having been tricked into thinking otherwise. When two lovers tease each other this happens. If “he” teases “her” and tests her jealousy he’s hurting her at first (of course she doesn’t know he’s testing her). She gets angry and swears never to talk to him. Never to trust him. Never to even be nice. However, as soon as the masks of tricking and testing and teasing are taken off, they then drown into a deeper ocean of emotions before they even know it. This extra dose that fills you up after a particular struggle is “pleasure”. In a sense, it combines joy with appreciation.

However, real pain is built up and pinned into the very core of your heart when you feel so vulnerable and incapable of overcoming the “Emotion Attack”. This pain is the result of your reaction to the vast confusion in which you’re locked up. Over doing it is just not smart. You’re not necessarily victimizing nor are you victimized, but the circumstances were just put together to hurt you.

All these turbulences, they reshape that first impression you thought you hated or loved. And yet, we, as humans, cannot help but carve that first impression in our minds over and over again. Somehow, we then miss how things were… Worst of all, we miss how things could have been should nothing wrong had ever happened. But again, we wonder what could have happened should particular truths were unrevealed.

Yes, the first impression is what you remember first about a person. But sometimes, when it comes to particular people, that first impression could totally vanish. That person you met at first is not necessarily always the image you carry in your head. That image sometimes melts into the shape of a painful memory. Especially… if the first impression was perfect. Well, sometimes “perfect” is nothing but a façade covering a pile of crap. (sorry).

To ICE

2007-11-09T03:01:00.000-08:00

This goes out to ICE.

Speaking for myself and also on behalf of the “GANG”:

I hope your stay in Dubai has been pleasant. I hope, as friends and family, we have been great to you and made you feel at home and most importantly, I hope all the memories you carry with you are unforgettably amazing.

This visit of yours in particular was different, thus making it hard for us to say goodbye. THE GANG and I will miss you so much… in fact, we are all missing you already.

You have always been a friend but I must say this friendship grew stronger with time. Like I said, now that you are in Bahrain and as you head back to France, you should always know that you have special friends in Dubai who will always be there for you in times of joy and sorrow.

Remember Los Angeles, M0re, Galler, “vogue” :P and all the fun we all had as a gang.
Remember the Indian dance me and Moe performed on that mountain?! Haha
Remember how you ordered chocolate Crepe for your SISTER the last time we all went to the movies?
Remember Pompidou
Remember “She’s too sexy”
Remember “those who must be tickled”
Remember “Miss 3aib”

Memories…

Oh well… They were good days.

Anyway… We are all waiting to hear “THE” amazing news. Best of luck.

Seriously… goodbyes are horrible.

I need a break

2007-10-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay...

Eid was not very bad... In fact it was alright.

Anyway let Eid aside... I am now dealing with something very weird... and I don't know where it's taking me. I hope things well...

So now...

I will be away for a while...

so

BrB... :)

... للحياة لذات

2007-10-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

OK it's been a while since I wrote in Arabic. So here's my new post... and don't make fun of my Arabic or my philosophy.

للحياة لذة لا يعرفها إلا من عاشها رحّالُ... فينكسر مع انكسارها و مع اعتلاءها يعلُ... هو يأخذ من ماضيه منافعه و كلّ خيرٍ محتمَلُ، ويسري كما الليل فيبدو الليل مرتجَلُ، ولمراده يسعى ولمراده يعملُ، فينسى المستحيل و يعيش واقعه المجمَلُ، كيف له الوصول إن لم يحتمل؟ من أين و إلى أين؟ و إلى متى سيظلُ يسألُ! واليوم عرف للحياة لذتها، فأدرك أن الوقت هو فيها مركبٌ و محمَلُ! يمضي فنمضي معه و تختلف اللذة مع أمواجه، كذلك يأتي درسٌ متسلسلُ

إن للحياة لذة لا يعرفها إلا من ذاق من الحياة مراًّ و حلا! و إن ذاق من المرارة أمر كثير فلن يزد في الحياة إلا مذاقاً. و ما المذاق إلا مزيج مشاعرنا التي وعلى مر الأزمنة قد أمست ذكرياتٌ
و كم من دمع انهمر عند التقاء المشاعر بالذكرى. و كم من حكاية قد ولدت بين الدمعة و الاخرى. كم من بسمة خلدت و كم من جفن قد سهرَ. كم من ضمير قد صحى و كم من عقل اعتبرَ من أسئلة قد أجيبت و من خافٍ قد ظهرا. هذي الحياة كما ألفيناها... و قد قالها من اختصرا: ليس الفخر في حياة قد مضت أو في تاريخ اندثرا... بل في حياة نعيشها و في زمن قد حضرا

Dejame Vivir

2007-10-07T15:39:00.001-07:00

Also, amazing lyrics. There is more than just what the word means... there are metaphores and hidden codes. What you percieve is not necessarily like what I might perceive...

This one's called "Dejame Vivir" (Let me live)... But they don't just want to live... they want to live their way!

Libre como el aire (Free... just like the wind)

Oh well... this is me.. addicted to music. All sorts of music.

Je te souhaite

2007-10-06T06:27:00.000-07:00

One of my fav Natacha St Pier songs.

I LOVE the lyrics.

Enjoy...

Back in 2004...

2007-09-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

It’s year 2004 and I’m a freshman going to one of Dubai’s universities. My morning class just finished and here I am in the crowded corridor trying to decide whether to spend my lunch hour with these new people I got to know from class, or to check on my best friends from school and see if they’re free. My best friends and I all ended up in the same university and I must say it’s one of the best things that ever happened in my life. So, here I stand reaching for my cell phone and called “Reez”. She was in class. Then, I called “S.KhJ”… didn’t pick up. Okay, there were more people on mind whom I could have called. Yes, I was a freshman and I was lost. But I was very social and never found it hard to enjoy a meal with any of my classmates… even when there was nothing at all to talk about.

My very first days at university were like that. A bit of this, a bit of that… here and there. Meeting a new face everyday… meeting someone for the first time in ten years… witnessing the existence of weird “BOYAT” [=lesbians] and trying to observe and understand their mentality… and so on. So, the university was just another gate into one of this life’s castles where you meet a whole new set of people who’s mentalities vary from impressive, to astonishing, to unbelievable, to semi-perfect and amazing, to disgusting…etc.

One day, I was sitting with one of the girls whom I got to know from one of my weird classes. I still remember which class; Colloquy 120! Haha

Suddenly this girl waved to another girl who walked towards us with a smile on her face. They laughed and talked and then my classmate introduced me to this girl. I said “hi” politely and we just talked about which high schools we went to and what classes we took here. It turned out that we went to the same school back in elementary. But we were in different divisions.

This girl’s name was “Mira”. Some people here know her as Dynamic Deeds. (Or..DEEDEE)
;)

I didn’t think we’d become close friends. Funny how DeeDee then became someone I planned “illegal” outings with, ditched classes with, shared some of the same sorrows with, even cried with, but best of all… shared endless laughs with.

2005 passed… 2006 passed… and now it’s 2007… almost 2008! And here’s what I discovered about DeeDee:

"Loyalty runs in her veins. Trustworthiness is her second name :P and “an amazing friend” is the precise definition of DeeDee"

And tomorrow DeeDee turns 21!

KEl 3AM W ENTI B5AiR … w 38BAL EL MELYOOOOOON ALF SINEH w el 3emer KILLLLEH INSHALLAAAA!

Wallah you’re not a friend… you’re a sister.. it always feels like home talking to you about anything no matter how funny, sad… or stupid.

OK, I ran out of words… but you know gadrech akbar min hal post el ‘3abi… seriously I mean it. Plus, ma ye7tay ashra7 l2anneh anything I might say would be only a repetition of things I already said to you before w inti adra bgadrech 3ndi ;) and I don’t care if what I said is cheesy… People can be cheesy once a year. hehe

PS: Sorry your gift will be late but that’s cuz there’s something that won’t be ready until after 3eed. I guess you know by now what it is :P… w maba a36eeech shay mob kamel…so…. Let me say it from now: Sorrrry 3al ta25eeeeer :P

Random Randomness

2007-09-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

OK …

1. I don’t know if I did okay in my Psychology test. It’s not that it wasn’t clear but I must say the questions were tricky.
2. I can’t stop eating chocolate and God knows DEEDEE is the witness! (and in Ramadan the craziness starts after fo6oor)
3. It’s been quite a while since I talked to Debbie. It was good talking to her today. Just realized I’ve known her for five years yet it feels like just a year ago when we had our first conversation about El Salvador and Dubai! Wow…
4. I still can’t believe M7amad shaved his head… *and no he’s not trying to be Britney* LOL
5. I think “Weeds” is very interesting. *watching season 3 now*, but I can’t get enough of “Grey’s Anatomy”.
6. It’s been a year now since I moved to live at my grandma’s house and I must say it changed me… to the better.
7. Can’t decide on colors of paint, (or maybe wallpaper) for my new room (in the new house). Yeah I’ll move soon *inshAllah*.
8. A sense of nostalgia keeps hitting me every now and then and I must say it kills.
9. I’m slowly killing my horrible habit of procrastination.
10. I decided that I should take cooking seriously. I mean It’s about time that I learnt some cool dishes. Ya3ni 9edg ma anfa3 ana! LOL

This goes to S.Mad:

I’m happy you finally did that eye lasik surgery. I will soon join your club :P. I know I chickened out but it’s also because of my ICDL work. I thought I would be using the PC 24/7. But anyway, Gonzales is coming back in December ;) I’ll make sure my schedule is totally free! Hehe..
And HEY.. don’t you dare throw your glasses away. They served you well for years and years.

Cxu Vi Parolas Esperanton?!

2007-09-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

In my side of the world, not many people know about Esperanto. Esperanto is a language that is constructed in around 1887 with the goal to create a “universal” second language. It’s a mixture of many different languages mostly Latin and European. If you speak French or Spanish or any of such languages then learning Esperanto would be a piece of cake!

I speak Spanish (although I believe my Spanish is rather grammatically jumbled up… and so is my poor French) and I speak English. As a result I’m learning Esperanto in no time :D. I’m always excited when it comes to learning languages. Of course I speak Arabic but Arabic is a totally different language haha.

In my opinion, although it is said that Esperanto is an international language that has been constructed to be the most common language for people to around the world, it just does not beat English. English always comes first in mind when two strangers meet, almost all the time and everywhere. Hmmm… makes you think huh…

So, I’m learning Esperanto and soon I will officially become your Emirati Esperantist :D

How many of you heard of this language anyway?

An EXCELLENT site to learn Esperanto is here. It is known world wide and it makes learning Esperanto a great experience. Through this site you can actually end tests and quizzes and get emailed back with comments and corrections from your online Esperanto teachers.

Jes, nun mi parolas Esperanton!
Gxis!!

Ps: Up there is the Esperanto flag. (in case you're wondering)

Women: Driving in Saudi

2007-09-21T02:56:00.000-07:00

Only this year I realized that women are actually and REALY not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia.

My comment is: WHY?

It’s not written in the Quran. A car is a vehicle… a means of transportation. Back in the days of our prophets and messengers, WOMEN rode horses (MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION!!!) and camels and even participated in wars and yes mixed with men whenever they were of any help. They taught people… men and women, they ran errands and it was a normal life.
What does “driving a car” have to do with religion? I drive a car am I b****? Am I a bad Muslim? Hmmm….. or wait, maybe it depends on how fast I drive!

Ok let’s look at it from a different angle. Driving is basically not different from walking. It’s just faster! So now a woman can’t WALK? *was about to laugh writing that sentence*

Ok I have lots and lots and lots to say I’ll just stop here… I really want to read comments and know people’s opinions and thoughts. Plus, I never discussed this with a Saudi… I am curious to know what they think of this matter.

Hmmm now I’m thinking, are they forbidding women to drive because of religious reasons or because of other social reasons?

(This post is not to offend any society, any nationality or anyone at all... I'm only speaking out my thoughts...)

Inexperienced Talk

2007-09-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

People… they always talk. Talk, talk, talk and talk. Be it about science, be it about life, be it about entertainment, be it about religion or be it about other people including themselves. Moreover, they never stop talking about their thoughts of surrounds them or even their thoughts of other people’s thoughts. Yes, people talk and they speak out their minds in numerous ways that they don’t even know it. Even introverts have their special methods of out-speaking their minds and inner thoughts even when without using ‘words’.

Now the topics that people discuss aren’t of the same core, are they? Sometimes if the topic is something you haven’t personally experienced it is acceptable to give your general opinion with a slightness of inconsequentiality. Sometimes, the topic is something so profound that you just have to have experienced it to give your opinion – keeping in mind that the way through which you give your opinion is to be highly considered as it could imply more aggressiveness than you desire. Ugly, wouldn’t it be?

I know somebody who is a sex freak. This somebody hadn’t even been in bed with anyone and they talk about every detail insisting that it is the precise description to the situation they’re talking about. Even when discussing the matter with people who have had sex everyday in their life for years and years, this person would still put some philosophy and some theories mixed with their very own aggressive judgment. If the experienced person started to argue, this inexperience person would snap as if that person knows nothing. Wait, now didn’t you just say you have never had sex? How come you’re so sure? Yes some things are “duh” facts and some things go under the umbrella of what we call “our own views” or our own “opinions” but that doesn’t make us the masters of it until we actually get into the arena of living the process itself.

Question (and I really want an answer): Could someone become a MASTER of something when they didn't try it? can OBSERVATION itself make you illegable to become the only boss at something?

I have witnessed this discussion happen in front of me as I stayed quiet only wondering and thinking… how does this person talk about sex with all the confidence and certitude in the world? I could also tell that the other party was as shocked and as confused as I am. I personally didn’t take part in the discussion because first of all I didn’t try sex and second of all the details they were discussing weren’t what I would call an appropriate topic to be discussed openly in a huge group of people who weren’t all close to each other. But then again, people can discuss anything they want… who am I to stop them.

I am not against discussing any matter in the world. In fact, I would call it an intellectual talk when people discuss things to share knowledge with others no matter what the topic is about… yes even if it’s disgusting. But the key element here is “how” do you say it. Yes, I’m referring to appropriateness and suitability in speech. I would understand the absence of aptness of the discussion is among close friends.

But then, it all pushed me into thinking: If a person is not experienced in a particular thing, does it give them the right to force their own opinion insisting that they are right while also insisting that the experienced person is wrong?

I wouldn’t care if the topic was more scientific requiring facts and statistics, but when it is a topic that is of “feelings” how can you tell what people physically and emotionally feel doing a particular act when you yourself haven’t experienced it?

Ok, so this example was about sex because that’s the discussion this particular person usually discussed (I told you they are a sex freak). However, let’s forget that particular person I was talking about… in life, there are many people like that who talk with the same tone of aggressiveness in forcing their opinion ESPECIALLY about things they have not experienced.

So yes, people talk all the time. Be it about science, be it about life, be it about entertainment, be it about religion or be it about other people including themselves. But sometimes, some people just DON’T KNOW how to ‘perfect’ (verb) the art of “talk”.

"es2al mojarreb wala tes2al 6abeeb" I totally agreee with this proverb.
This person is a very intelligent one, one with a lot of information and sometimes could be someone whom you go to for consultation. But I believe that to “be there” is different than “hearing about it” and then talking like you “know it all”.

Back to Uni + Focus

2007-09-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

What do you know? University started and I started attending my classes. Yup back to "that" routine now but hey at least it's my last year. My schedule was fine but as students we have to always mess things up when given the choice and opportunity. We're students and that's how we learn. So, I thought of dropping and adding some courses here and there as I tested some ideas in my head and imagined how things would turn up in the long run. I eventually reached this point of where I totally almost ruined my entire schedule. But no… I dragged my thoughts back to the "focus" I talked about in my May post.

Some of you may have already read it… some haven't. So here's how it went in case you're wondering what I'm talking about. But first… here's a list of the courses I enrolled myself in for this 20-week-semester:

- Strategic Planning in PR & Advertising
- Special Topics: Conferences
- Psychology in Everyday Life
- Tourism: Destination Promotions (only the first ten weeks)
- CIT (Independent Study)
- Organizational Communication (only the last ten weeks)

And I have Mondays and most Wednesdays off. My schedule is perfect again.

Anyway… here's the May post:

“Life is a journey” – Cliché, huh? Well although it’s true and although I totally believe in the concept of life being as bumpy and as constantly changing as a journey, I just think that probably it’s about time I’ve come to realize that life, the journey, should be dealt with just like a yoga class.

I remember when I took yoga classes in high school we found some positions hard to perform. Sometimes we couldn’t stand still. Other times, we fell. Well, one day when I was trying to focus on the “flamingo” position I could hardly stand on my foot stably for more than ten seconds. *Pssst, sometimes less!*. My instructor walked towards me and taught me a very simple technique and told me this will help me throughout all my life. I didn’t bother to even get what she meant or even care to even believe. Funny how she was right!

This yoga technique is: Whatever you do, you always lose balance if your eyes are freely wandering around, not focused on one object. When I tried focusing on the clock that was hanging on the wall (aah, I still remember the clock with its Quartz sign), I saw how it really worked... this so-called technique. I stood like a flamingo for more than ten seconds… more than twenty, more than a whole lot of minutes now…! I stood for as long as my muscles could hold my body still. I find it interesting how I suddenly decided to remember the words of this instructor.

But wait!

I'm not talking about yoga as much as I'm talking about life ---

In life, we also need similar techniques for we are really ignorant of what is to become within our coming days. Just like how in yoga you focus on one nonmoving object to stay in balance; as if creating an invisible force that gives stabilizing gravity; you should know what you want from life and stick to it, as well. Spend all the time you need and think of the path you’d choose to continue your "journey" and then “act it”. But act it willingly and as strongly as the force that comes from your eyes when doing yoga. This will lead to success. Not because you chose the right path but because the strength and stabilizing held you back from falling into puzzlement and profound ignorance... if you know what I mean.

However, I am not talking about success in the work field or success in academics nor am I talking about the success and triumph in business. I’m talking about your triumph in knowing what you want from life. I’m talking about “Do you know how to live without regrets? Even more important, do you know how to never create situations where you would eventually regret?”

This is when you sleep every night with a smile, when you wake up every morning with a blush of satisfaction, when you take in every breath without a rush. I never realized all these simple details that made me a happy person until they were gone. That’s when I realized I made a mistake somewhere in my life. I lost focus and I fell out of balance. Aaah, the technique. Focus must come back.

It is funny how this lesson was taught to me five years ago and I only came to realize it and believe in it today, rather than back then. What did I know back then? I knew much less than today. But certainly I grow to learn optimism… and optimism has a whole different story.

Some Things Stay

2007-08-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

You travel life step by step. And step by step, you move from one stage to another. And from one stage to another, you sometimes change. Sometimes you remain who you are and watch your surroundings eventually and gradually change. But something always stays.

Traveling through life sometimes seems literal. I can swear that some things are just left behind as I moved forward. Just like time, there is no going back. Unlike roads, there is not a single U-turn in this path. But something really just stays with you.

It is not sad. It only brings your sense of wonder to life. Out of no where you encounter a reminder which acts as what pushes blood through the veins of your thoughts. It tells you that SOMETHING stays despite everything you leave behind. It reminds you…

I was playing my iTunes when suddenly an old song played in my ears. It took me back to some days of my life… a place I used to be in… some concerns that used to torture my mind… a feeling of bitterness and disorientation which used to cloud over me. Yup, we do grow… but our feelings stay. They don’t stay the same, but us humans will always have feelings as life is filled with reminders.

- I still remember that rainy day and my yellow rain coat when I was 12 years old.
- I still remember a lot of people who might have forgotten me by now.
- I still remember some summers ago when I spent a number of days at my grandma’s. I am here now, but time and change united and succeeded in making it feel different today than how it did back then. But I remember how it was, how it felt.
- I still remember the scent of the paint on the walls of my pink room.
- I still remember the smell of the cherry wood cabinets in Mirdif. Sometimes I would open them and sniff that scent as I closed my eyes. There was something about that smell.
- I still remember the scent of basil that took over the entire garden back there.
- I still remember him… (Allah yer7ama)
- I still remember how I took care of my younger siblings when my parents traveled. I used to stay by my little brother when he felt too afraid to sleep. Where are they now? They’re all taller than I am and they’re never around.
- I still remember how “she” was… it seems like as I grow, the more she goes back to being a teenager. I can’t believe her.
- I still remember the nights of Coca Cola Light and the chocolate coated popcorn boxes. They were the nights of the carefree minds – Staying up all night watching movies knowing that we’re young and tomorrow won’t steal our youth away. I still do that, and I’m still young. But something is different. I’m no longer in that place.
….

The list goes on… and it doesn’t sadden me, it only teaches me that life is this huge playground where people spend days and months and years experimenting and being experimented on until they’re intelligent enough to proudly say they learnt something from their life.

As look back and forth, I notice that one thing has remained amazingly the same. My father. He’s still the strong wise him. He’s still an inspiring person who has really lived a life with all what life could give. Both good and bad. He lived 5 years of his youth in Lebanon during the civil war and saw a lot of miseries and had his life put on the edge a number of times. He lost his very close brother in a tragic accident, also when he was young. I can’t imagine how sad this is because I myself am very close to my siblings. And when my grandfather passed away I was amazed and stunned by how strong my father was, yet his eyes spoke of the sadness he hid inside. I salute my dad for who he is and I’m very proud of him for I never saw him crash, never saw him break and never saw him give up… no matter what.

Something tells me he sees a lot of him in me. Oh wait, he told me that himself.

Lost & Found Folder!

2007-08-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

I was really just looking in the closet for a shirt! Really! And that’s when I accidentally saw something blue. So I thought to myself… “Could it be…?”
Then I shook my head and thought “naah, can’t be. I looked everywhere for a very long time. I can’t just simply find it in my closet lying just like that”. Again I thought “How do you know, you lazy person? Just check, what is it that you’d lose?”
So, I looked and checked… what do you know? YES IT WAS THE FOLDER I WAS LOOKING FOR!! I so desperately looked for it because it carried very special things that I have cherished for years and years and thus are worth more than mines of gold!

There are different special things in this folder. Pics, notes we used to pass in class in high school…etc.
But here’s one of the things inside this folder. ;) My report card of when I was in 1st grade. I also have report cards of almost all stages of my school life but this one is just so special.

Here… check the picture and click on it for full view and see if you can read what the teachers wrote about me. I remember these teachers very well.

To suddenly, and out of no where, come face to face with such deep memory really makes it hard to hold back a never-fading smile. I smiled for a long time just staring at every word.

Memories… yes, memories are a cancerian’s weakness sometimes. I can hold on to memories and never let go. How could one live without their memories. To me, memories both good and bad are and will always be a vital element throughout my entire life. Why? Because it’s the memories that show me how well I did in life and how much achievements I have come across. True, sometimes they show me how I screwed up at some point. But should I mourn and drown in regret? Never! I shall smile knowing I came through it all as the wonderful person I am today. Yes, I am wonderful and I love me :P

CBOX: NOW OPEN @ CANC3RIAN's

2007-08-27T12:41:00.001-07:00

Ok So I have a Cbox now... recently i've been thinking of having one but I've been so lazy and I keep pushing the thought away. yes out of laziness. Such a bad trait in me i must admit.

well.. FINALLY Palo Girl told me I should have one in my blog. So I told myself YEAH I SHOULD!! And Palo Girl was the CALL I had to hear.

LOL... thanks Palo ;)

So yalla people give me your MABROOOKs and start bugging me!! lol

Wanted in Oman

2007-08-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hello friends, co-workers and fellow bloggers!

In a few hours I'll leave to Oman... The embassy called and asked that I must be there as soon as possible due to an article I have written online about Oman. It was a horrible article and God I'm in trouble :( What do I do? There's no way out of this and I'm so doomed. God, did I have to write that article with the horrible things in it?! :(

I may never come back... Only God knows what's to happen to me :( Why do I always cause myself these problems... Only this one is really too much. Nothing could get worse! :( God what did I cause my family.... my friends..... :(

This is me saying goodbye. Please .... whoever's reading this... I need your prayers that things would be okay and I would find my way out of this huge trouble :(........ I need your prayers!

OKAAAAAAAAAAY

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I.....a..m.....k..i..d..d..i..n..g..!..!..!

I'm going to Oman with my family to visit this place called "Al Jabal Al Akhdar" (The green mountain) and we're going to have fun and as we say "En'3ayyer Jaw" ;)

Well, my mother forced me to go with them. I didn't wanna go because we're going with my YOUNGER SIBLINGS (in other words: Annoying people) ...But at the same time heeeey I love Oman so much... I've visited it about two times before... but a long time ago. I have never been to Al Jabal Al Akhdar, though. So yup I DOOOOO want to go. Wished Moh'd was with us though. The dumb idiot is having a blast in CHINA!

Anyway.... so I'm going and you guys take care. Enjoy your time with whatever it is you enjoy doing whenever it is you enjoy doing it whatever way you enjoy that! :P

Ciao amigos...

PS: Yes, I'll miss you.... maybe.... hmmm.... ok I will ;)

-- Canc3rian

Just a thought

2007-08-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

Here’s something I remembered and spent a couple of moments thinking about. Quite a while ago, I went to the beach with two of my friends – “ReeZ” and “S.MaD”. We enjoyed the breeze that came along with every wave, we talked about everything we did and plan to yet do, we laughed, we danced, we jogged, we raced, we drew on the sands (yes, like everyone, we tried to draw the lady with the biggest boobs, but unlike everybody else we tried to build a snowman out of sand… ) But again, like everyone, we laughed constantly and we did a lot of crazy things only close friends would bother doing together. We were really just being ourselves. We floated freely with the waves letting them carry us to meet no particular end. We shunned every jellyfish we found. There were probably a billion jellyfish swimming with us… and freaking us out!

Later, I went for a walk and I walked alone. Sometimes I like to be left alone. I just walked and breathed in the fresh breeze and I saw that to my left there was an old lady at the shore sitting looking tired and lazy. I felt her eyes following me as I walked along the shore in my extra bright orange mini-shorts and my long wavy hair that danced with the breeze. To my right, there was a young lady swimming with her baby who looked no older that six months. If I were to guess her age I’d say she’s 25. It was just too obvious that it’s her first baby and they looked amazing together.

A thought crossed my mind just right then. To the old lady observing me, I was her dream of youth and health. I was her long lost spirit of ambition and her very own self esteem. Yet, to the lady playing joyfully with her baby at the shore, I was but a sign that she’s blossomed into her golden age of maturity and complete independence as she settled with her life and formed her own family. So, to me, she was what I am to yet reach. And to her, I was what she has gladly and successfully left behind and made through.

So I walked along the shore feeling like I separated two different worlds and two different themes of dreams. There are things in life… very simple things in life… that amuse you. Their significance could be so profound most of the time. Will I one day become like that young mother with the beautiful baby and later become that old woman wishing I was who I am right now again? Such things just pull the triggers of an endless river of thoughts. You never know what tomorrow hides for you… if tomorrow comes that is!

ATC

2007-08-09T05:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, today I’ll talk about something I kind of got myself addicted to. Thanks to Aref and Issa ( S,Mad’s cousins). Issa and Aref are crazy about planes and Issa is soon to become Mr. Real Pilot ha-ha. Sara and I were, as I sometimes say “online-ing” (msn), with friends and then Sara gave me a link and told me to check it out. It was a map! She told me to click on Kuwait. I was like ok… maybe there’s something going on in Kuwait and she wants me to see. I clicked on “listen – feed” and all of a sudden my iTunes played real and live ATC! Isn’t that cool?

ATC = Air Traffic Control

You can call us all crazy but walla it’s addictive!

This is the link:

http://www.liveatc.net/feedmap/feedmap.html

You can listen to different countries in different regions. Dubai’s tower doesn’t work online so Kuwait is the closest to us that’s why we’re listening to Kuwait’s tower. We’re enjoying the conversations between the controllers and pilots.

We were so high last night and we got so excited each time we heard them announce the landing or take off of a plane.
We also got excited each time they said “Emirates… good morning”

Ya3ni you can say we’re literally 3aysheen el “jaw” loool

Shoo ensawwy? Malal w mashay la sha’3la w la mash’3ala… fa we’re not to be blamed if we’re acting like weirdos!

So anyway just I thought it would be interesting to share this with you guys!

Jealousy Vs Motivation

2007-08-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

People are like mirrors to each other. One never unleashes their potential until they start to appreciate it well. But they only learn what it is worth when they see others with the same potential. Only then does a pulse run through the veins of creativity evoking motivation and urging one to desire success… to take that one extra step further. Yes, that is us: humans! We have this jealousy inside us. We get the thrills of competition into reaching triumph. Sometimes for ourselves, sometimes to prove a point, sometimes to hurt someone and sometimes it is plain curiosity and experimentation. It’s funny how this jealousy goes under the umbrella of “motivation”. It’s so fascinating how such an emotion that is viewed as the evoker of negative intentions, could lead to the open road of massive success. Funny how people know just well enough how jealous they are but never would they ever admit it. Not even a hint of self-confrontation!

This isn’t the jealousy between lovers or siblings… This jealousy is of another flavor. No harm in it… nobody hurt… only more productive efforts and countless inventions of methods to reach to the top. Everybody feels it… but nobody admits it. It’s just like fear, love, anxiety, nervousness, happiness or sadness…etc. It’s a normal sensation that all humans get every now and then. And as mentioned before, people are like mirrors to each other. You know you have a certain potential and you work on improving it. But, you work even harder when you see someone with the same potential. It becomes as though this person reflected to you what you got and shoves into your face the indication that you have nothing special until you prove you can do more than that… until you break the record.

This is one of the things I always come to realize about the people around me. Life is a marathon! Time has no check point. It doesn’t stop at any station… we run this marathon trying to win time and trying to prove that we have more and are capable of breaking every record in history… and you know what’s our fuel? It’s that jealousy feeling. I hate how people look at it as jealousy. I’d rather call it motivation… or competition.

WohoO Cancer!

2007-08-03T03:29:00.000-07:00

Here’s a pic I came across while surfing the net. It has most of the characteristics of a Cancerian. The symbol of Cancer (the star sign, not the disease :S) is the crab and that’s because it’s aquatic. It says:

Tenacious – Yes, I can be stubborn!
Intuitive – agree
Perceptive – agree
Protective – yup!
Supportive – I really must agree
Helpful – I hope!
Encouraging – I hope!
Home loving – SUPER BIG TIME!
Dependable – I hope!
Caring and Kind – YES I AM! Ha-ha
Devoted – I must agree
*Imaginative* - Extremely!! (with a hint of drama)
Sensitive – But people hardly ever see this in me
Compassionate – STRONGLY AGREE
Self-reliant – at least I try my best
Nicer than everyone else – FACT!! =P

hehe, well I just thought it would be cute to share this here. Now you all know the reasons behind my nickname <3

Back to LIFE!!

2007-08-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

My last post unfortunately was about the depression phase I went through due to some problems I faced with my health. My tummy was invaded by enzymes that burned the insides of my stomach which eventually had a great negative psychological effect on me.

So, I spent a couple of days outside Dubai and headed to the eastern emirates where my grandmother lives. I thought since it’s very peaceful it would be a positive change of my surroundings. Gradually, I felt refreshed and stronger and I even forgot all about the pain that was all in my head and my imagination. “Weswas” is the word. Such a messed up thing because I was never the person to get paranoid at all.

The first thing I did as I reached that area was that I visited the graveyard where my grandfather was buried in last March – this year. It was very sad. I was with Moh’d and one of my cousins. I stood there and in my heart I recited “Al Fat7a” and then I started talking to my grandfather – may Allah have mercy on his soul. He’s dead but I know he could hear me somehow. I told him:

"I know I may have never spoken out to you about my love for you but I loved you and will always do. I may have been this quiet mysterious person but I was always by your side in the hospital and I have always thought of you in my prayers when you suffered that damned disease. I respected you and looked up to you like you were a crown we should all wear. You’re gone but and I want you to know that I’m becoming a better Muslim everyday to meet you one day in a lovely place"

I then passed by where my two uncles were buried years and years ago. I never met them for they passed away before I was even born. I’ve always wondered what it would have been like should they have lived longer. One of them passed away in the US. He was a 24-year-old IT student. My other uncle died very young when he was only 11. He was only a child and died of a very rare yet serious disease.

Well, it was my first time to ever be in a graveyard but it felt good visiting and talking to my grandfather.

Anyway… let me continue with updating you with my life. Today we had a lovely family gathering where we had seafood for lunch and lovely stories were shared between us all.

Moh’d el ‘3abi missed it!

Some of my very close friends traveled and I miss them already.

I drove around ‘Khorfakan’ with my two cousins and my mother. It was fun.

I’m heading back to my beloved Dubai this evening.

I will continue my Body Combat sessions with Sara M. and will go to the beach to float and swim. I’m so happy there are less jellyfish now. Hehe

I’m going to get around thousands of boxes of chocolate from all my friends because as usual I FORCED them to get me chocolate ha-ha. Yes, I’m a very chocoholic person.

I’m back to being noisy and all crazy and hyper =D

PS: Dear fellow bloggers, your comments to my previous post have been so sweet and full of sugar. Thanks, I really appreciate it. Love you all.

Devastated

2007-07-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Lately my health hasn’t been quite what I have expected it to be. I thought I’m healthier, I thought I ate better, I thought I was getting stronger and I thought the enzymes in my tummy were giving me a break as I avoided citrus fruits as much as possible. The last time I had serious pain because of the enzymes was because my tummy was usually empty. It shocked me at the moment and I told the doctor that I think I'm eating more than enough. She said I have more enzymes in my body than I should, thus the acids burn the food immediately and they burn the insides of my tummy if I don't eat a light meal every two hours.

Everything was perfectly fine for a while. Apple juice started to play a role in my life instead of the usual orange juice… and instead of my favorite refreshing mint lemonade. Sometimes, I have no idea what goes wrong but the pain starts killing me again. It feels as though an elephant is resting on my chest preventing me from breathing. At some point it feels as though a fire is set to burn my intestines and the very insides of the walls of my tummy. No lungful of air seemed to carry enough oxygen to get over the pain.

I am feeling it now. It is devastating… Yes, it’s not a serious disease, thank God, and yes it’s not fatal, thank God, and yes there are worse cases, may God help them. Nevertheless, what I feel is affecting me rather psychologically.

The last two days have been hell for me. I don’t remember I ever easily cried in front of my mother, let alone crying on her shoulders. Last night I literally cried on her shoulders and hugged her as I told her how I felt weak. In other words my message to her was: Mom, I need you. It was hard for me to let all these emotions out. It's just not me to do so.

Funny how no matter how much you think you’ve grown up, you still feel this need. I know I said 'funny', but I just know it’s totally normal.

It was about 2:00 in the morning and she was asleep. My call woke her up and she came to me when I insisted she comes because I had something serious to talk to her about. Yes, something very serious just hit my realization and I finally came to see how dangerous it could be and so I told my mother. It bothered me so much, even more than the acids in my tummy itself. It made my tummy problem get worse and hence got to me psychologically.

Today… I went to the hospital. The doctor checked on me entirely with and without clothes. I never felt like I needed someone’s help and I never felt so openly close to my mother.

You know when you panic you really say things you never think you’d say. When I was crying earlier at night, and I was crying like a child, I told my mother that I love her more than any of my siblings do, that I feel sad each time she’s in pain and that I cry when she gets sick...etc. I hugged her so tight when she was just so shocked that all these words came out of my mouth. I’m known for being the person who never speaks of/about their emotions. She told me she’ll call a doctor in the morning for both my tummy and my other problem that’s been torturing my thoughts for a while.

Back to what the doctor had to finally say… she gave me good and bad news. Both of which I don’t want to speak of. Everything is just fine but I just need some time until it all sinks in my head and until I really get over the trauma of it all.

So… I’m psychologically very devastated and in need to change my surroundings. I’m moving to my grandma’s house. It’s an hour and a half drive. I’m taking a good book, a collection of good movies and there I will spend quality time reading, watching TV and movies and going to the beach. I will leave my phone behind, if not switched off. Something in me is just not well.

Well, I’ll be away for about a week or more. See you all…. Take care and enjoy your time.

P.S: Yes, I’ll miss everyone. And I’ll miss blogging…

Yours; Canc3riaN

As a Child

2007-07-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

As a child, I was afraid of everyone.

As a child, I hated makeup. (I love it now lol)

As a child, I was more of a tomboy.

As a child, I secretly wanted to become a detective.

As a child, I truly felt that nobody could see who I really am inside.

As a child, I was the skinniest girl in school.

As a child, I was an ultimately quiet person.

As a child, I only trusted Moh’d. (he's probably reading this now)

As a child, I was my mother’s shadow feeling weak without her around.

As a child, I never opened up to people and I still don’t easily.

As a child, I was always on alarm thinking that I am somehow watched by someone or something.

As a child, I was locked up in the world of my own imagination.

As a child, I often, by mistake, overheard a lot of adults’ conversations and kept things to myself.

As a child, I always linked what people did in different times and places and quietly did the math in my head to conclude their evil/good intentions.

As a child, I never shared my thoughts – especially with my mother.

As a child, I was attached to our home and no place in the whole world was more peaceful.

As a child, I often tried tricking the guy on TV and changed where I was sitting just to see if his eyes would go somewhere else. Of course that was dumb. (stop laughing)

As a child, I often imagined myself on a huge stage acting like a famous celebrity of something. Oh my God, all this was in my head!

As a child, I had one of the best handwritings in class.

As a child, I had a crush on a senior when I was only in 2nd grade. What was I thinking. Wait, I was only a child!

As a child, I was into art. What happened?

As a child, I thought my dad was a super hero. (he still is my hero and my inspiration).

As a child, I was innocent. Such a strong word.

As a child, I often tried to impress the older boys by playing football with them in the field. Again, what THE HELL was I thinking? Yet again, I was only a child.

As a child, I often tried to read people’s minds. Also, I remember I would try to imagine what lied under that face, that skin… yes skeletons and skulls. Hmm don’t ask why.

As a child, I was never myself around my mother. Now, we’re like close friends.

As a child, I used to look for dandelions and gently blew them in the air.

As a child, I was thrilled about ‘rounders’ – a sport we played in school with Ms. Ursula. I miss her. I wonder what happened to her.

As a child, I wished I had a sister. I regret that. She’s sitting next to me now!

As a child, I used to sleep-talk and sometimes sleep-walk. I still sleep-talk, though.

As a child, I thought “what if our life was a sitcom that God watches… just like how we watch series and sitcoms too”.

As a child, I thought all countries and all nationalities stood together and loved each other. Lovely innocent thought huh?!

But you know what?

As a child, who thought I would be writing all this in something called a BLOG?

Surely there’s much more of things I used to do or be as a child. But that’s all I can think of for now.

From 1:00 to 4:00 AM

2007-07-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Just like everybody else in this world… just like everyone around us… just like anyone we see whether we know them or not, we have issues. We have problems and things we think we have no solutions to. Yet, we keep digging and walking in circles trying to find a way, not the easy way out, but the best way out!

From 1:00 to 4:00 Am… when people like me are supposed to be sleeping and resting and dreaming of tomorrow, I instead stay up all night and drown in my own thoughts, worries, memories, manifestations, dreams. Every thought seems to build up a step for the thought coming after.

Those steps keep going higher and higher and finally I start to reach the top. Suddenly, I trip and everything I built falls, like my tears, and collapses, like myself. I end up crying myself to sleep. Sometimes, I don’t sleep at all. At other times, though, I get a grip and smile totally convinced that tomorrow I will have a laugh looking back at my days/nights of confusion.

It’s been a while since I cried now. I’m becoming tougher and tougher by the second. I like that. It’s what I longed to be…! Yet, my heart still beats out receptive weeps of softness.

Although my achievements aren’t much, I still consider them lovely steps that make me proud. Although people might think I haven’t yet seen the world I feel like I lived a thousand lives. The number of years you lived is nothing in comparison to the simple incidents that taught you what one could never have learnt in a life time. Yes, I learnt lessons and lessons and lessons… I could write a book. Only my ink would be my tears and my inspiration would be my pride. My wounds, however, would be my manuscript.

Yes, from 1:00 to 4:00 Am, the world could be sleeping but still I am breathing with eyes wide open a nonstop-flow of memories, of reviews and of meditations. Nothing broke me and nothing will. Many painful incidents hurt me so much but only proved to me that my faith is strongly deep in God, in fate, in tomorrow and in those who love me.

Loved? Yes, by so many people I could even lose count of. I have friends who would do anything for me. I have parents who cherish me. I have siblings who miss me when I’m gone and come to me with stories to tell and laughs to share.

How can life be so perfect and yet so dull? Or is it just my “inability to sleep” speaking with anger now?

Okay now the sun is up… Good morning and sweet dreams to me!

What Made Me Play Again

2007-07-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

Okay guys so here’s the thing about me and video games. I can barely remember when was the last time I actually held a joystick in my hand and really played a video game, let alone playing with enthusiasm! According to my memory, it’s been something like… okay I think I was in eighth grade when I last played.

Believe it or not, I used to love Need4Speed. I also loved Crash Bandicoot, it was like my favorite. Someone got us a game called “Pepsi Man” LOL, I remember kint al3ab eb’6emeeer! And Ohhhh… TEKKEN was something I loved! Very good when you’re angry. Yes yes I know it’s a guys’ game bas el a39ab mat3arf shoo bint w shoo walad LOL YOU JUST WANNA PUNCH AND HIT AND KILL.

Anyway so… for all these years I stopped playing and I lost every interest in even spending five minutes to play a dumb game to kill time. Play station…etc were just NOT something I would consider at any case.

Anyway… two weeks ago my brother got something that finally made me feel like “YALLA YALLA MY TURN GIVE ME THE JOYSTICK” hahaha… it’s:

“Nintendo Wii”

Seriously, when you hold the joystick and play like you’re really in the game THAT’s WHAT I CALL “3aysheen el door” ! and that’s what Nintendo Wii does. My arms actually hurt for two days after having played TENNIS and BOXING! LOL.

But again… It only got my attention for one week. I’m back to “I don’t care about video games”. LOL Cuz seriously I'm the type of person who couldn't care less about these games. I'm all about music and magazines and surfing the net and spending hours on the phone or in front of the TV!

But BRAVO to Nintendo Wii as it MADE ME GRAB A JOYSTICK again (for only a week though) LOL.

PS: I still have to go try S.Mad’s Play Station 3. Haha

Pranks!

2007-07-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

Yes yes, you know what I’m talking about! That evil hustle… the filthy plan… the wicked intention… the ACT of making a fool out of your friend causing their face to go red and purple from the embarrassment and sometimes humiliation while your face goes blue because of the lack of oxygen when you’ve laughed so hard in their face! And what do we call it? “Just a prank!” – with the most innocent expressions on our faces. LOL

Yes, I was that evil back in school… very evil. It’s a gift from God to be able to act so REALISTICALLY! I can prank any person in the whole world, but the only person I failed to beat is my own mother! She knows me inside out (mwah)! She and I are like friends and she knows me too well to fall for my pranks!

So anyway, that was back in high school. I almost forgot all about the word “prank” when university life started. I got so busy and my life became so crowded, if you know what I mean. But now… ta-daaaaa!! Here I come again! BACK TO MY PRANKING SPIRIT! Hehe…

3ad a7la shay when you prank a dumb person or a person who is so naïve. I discovered recently that Gabriello (my brother) is such an easy person to prank. He knows what I’m talking about!

GABY LET ME REMIND YOU: [ “%$#%&@$% Says: Hey Moe... ana ReeZ!]

S.Mad: YOU ARE THE BEST SUPPORT!!

W la ba3ad it’s summer now so more and more pranks to come and take place! ;)

Hehehe…

Yalla let’s all share our pranking experiences… and feel free to express your anger if you’ve ever been pranked so badly! =P

More Than What it Seems!

2007-07-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have gladly reached a point in my life where I believe I do have an idea of what life really is behind the scenes. It is amazing what I have got to know and it does not surprise me to also know that there is even more to yet encounter. Throughout my years which I have spent in this journey of “life” I have learnt a great deal of lessons. However, the most precious lesson I learnt is how to open my eyes properly and see with my eyes, heart, and brain at the same time. I see using my eyes and get the image fixed in my head then my brain tells me more than just the colors and shapes I see… it tells me what’s really in it for me. Finally, I also see with my heart which then indicates the feelings that my brain has interpreted. This is how we should see everything around us from people to nature to still life and to life itself.

Yes, your eyes are not all you have to be sighted for I have learnt that blind people can actually see around them, too. What we see is not necessarily what it seems from the outside and judging through stereotypes is definitely not how we should see those we interact with everyday or even those we meet for the first time. I can see now that not every Mexican plays guitar, not every Muslim prays five times a day, not every person follows a religion, parents don’t have all the answers, not all doctors understand pain, friends don’t have to be identical in their beliefs, home is not just shelter and furniture, you are loved but you are also hated, a language is not just words said differently as each language carries an entire culture inside it… and the list goes on and on.

With all that’s been said, having learnt all that, I must say I also learnt that feelings are an “easy come, easy go” type of thing. Depression is only temporary… a surprise is only felt for a moment… sadness can camp over your life but it leaves you alone afterwards. Happiness comes and entertains you from time to time (hopefully most of the time). So, feelings come in the shape of a cycle. Every feeling is seasoned with a special sensation. But once again, optimism and satisfaction are what I carry along with me these days throughout the different seasons of my emotions.

P.S: Image shot by "DOROO" --> http://doroo.deviantart.com/

An Interesting Spanish Proverb

2007-07-17T04:12:00.000-07:00

“Cada cabeza es un mundo” – This Spanish saying that immediately and very deeply caught my attention had automatically been placed among my top beliefs. I remember how outranged my hunger was to not only learn but also find ways to learn more about the language and culture. This saying which literally means “Every head is a world” can be seen in many different ways really. But ever since I was introduced to this magnificent proverb, which is 4 years ago, I tend to believe in it deeper and deeper with each minute that passes by. It’s funny how these simple five words when put together had really enchanted me into thinking wisely and more openly with friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers.

The sense of anatomy and comparison permanently camped in through my head. Not anatomizing to see the right and wrong, the black and white, the ups and downs, but in fact, this anatomization came with a whole different intention: To see how diverse and varied this universe is.

Let’s think of ourselves. My head has its own universal, systematical strategies in terms of how to function and to what directions interpretations should go. Such particular thoughts give me such amazement and urge you to praise God. Humans are after all the most complex creatures. Yes… each head is a world… and you know what is funny here? The circular shape of the head is truly taking the shape of, as they say: MUNDO (=World)! And it seems as though it’s keeping your system and functions locked up in a secret office. Just like the skeletons people hide in their own closets, each head has a world of its own that is well hidden inside ones thoughts and heart. Yes my friends…cada cabeza es “definitely” un mundo!

Is it a Curse from School ?

2007-07-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what’s wrong with the school I graduated from! We’ve always heard bad news every now and then about classmates, friends or other students from different classes. I remember the first serious bad news I got that had to do with me and my childhood memories, and even more strongly it was related to my brother. It was one of his friends whom he has grown up with. He was two years older than I was. When we were little (I was in third grade) I remember his sister and I teamed up against him and my brother. We used to run all around the playground, we used to eat together; we used to fight over stickers and have the most childish conversations ever. I remember how he would try to get us envious of his name while he told us how famous it was and very common among cartoon characters. That’s because his name was not a common Emirati name at all. I remember he would tell us about Greece and then his sister and he would speak some Greek to make us familiar with the language. Then, I remember the bell would ring, I would go to my class, his sister would go to her class, my brother and he would go to class together. Years passed by… my brother and I left that school and when we came back I don’t even know if they remember the memories we had. We really weren’t in touch much. As the years passed by, we came back to the same school, my brother and I. I was in tenth grade now and my brother and he were seniors. They graduated and I remember the girls and I would make fun of him and call him Enrique for he looked like Enrique Iglesias. I remember that for a while he never attended his classes because of a fight that took place. The guys made fun and joked saying that he most probably died… well, what did they know? A year after that, he really died at around the same time. He died in an accident while driving to meet up with some friends. He was wearing a shirt that belonged to one of his best friends whom he was supposed to meet that night. What do we know? Later that night, that friend of his saw him die… wearing his shirt. The whole school went dark and sad. I remember that day very well. All I was haunted by is the memories I had of him and his sister. They only had each other and their mom. Their house must have been so empty after his death for he was the only man. He was also a kind hearted person who cared a big deal about his sister.

After this incident, and after I had graduated, I never stopped hearing news of students’ deaths – students from my school. My friends and I really began to think that our school was cursed. We heard rumors about two other guys who died and a girl, too.

Today, I again heard the saddest news. Back then when we were in school, there were those very highly respected twins whom nobody spoke of in any manner other than respect and pride. They set the perfect example of ideal youth. Throughout the years I spent in school, never have I ever heard anything negative of them. And today the news just struck me. My brother was sitting checking his mobile phone and told me “The twins… they had a terrible accident. One died, one is in the ICU and might not make it”. It was very sad because I never saw one without the other… what would his life be without his closes brother all of a sudden! His brother who was his TWIN which means he was LITERALLY part of him! I shall stop here. To keep on talking about this does no good at all. “Allah yer7ama… w y9abber haleh… w yeshfy o5ooh w y3eeena 3ala frag his twin”. But one last word, though! I must say that people like them “ma yen5af 3alaihom” mashalla. Yen5af 3ala those illi lail w nhar ‘3afleen 3an rabhom w a5rathom… Allahomma as2aloka 7osn al 5atema… Death really knows no age.

My Forbidden Tan

2007-07-12T04:57:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach yesterday. I spent all day there. I mean it – I literally spent all day there (from 12:00 noon to 9:00 PM). You see, I am already bronze and I don’t need to get a tan. My mother doesn’t want my skin to get exposed to a lot of direct sun because my color really changes quickly – more like immediately! And she warned me saying: Itha yaiteeni min9al5a la ted5leen el bait. From her tone, I just knew that she meant what she said because she’s been having enough of me going out and coming back home with a multicolored skin hehe.
So, this fear got planted inside me now because I know my punishment would be “No more going to the beach for you this summer”. For that reason, I decided to sit inside the café and read magazines while having a light snack hoping that the time would pass quickly until the sun gets less burning. Meanwhile, my friends were out there lying under the sun dying to get my color ;) Doesn’t it feel great to know that you’re born with the perfect tan already??? (Sorry, S.Mad and ReeZ I just had to say that sentence).
Anyway, I had a lemon margarita with some French fries… and just sat there! It started to get boring and not even half an hour passed yet. And guess what is facing me? Just guess what was in front of my eyes the whole time? THE TEMPTING BEACH! It was never bluer than yesterday and the sands were never more crystal-like than yesterday, and the shore was never clearer than yesterday. The seashells were of all colors and they also shined under the bright sun. Yes, it was like the glittery shores that we see in the movies.
I tried to sit still, I fought each minute and each second but the beach was irresistible. Finally, I stood up… and flew to the beach where I saw my friends still suffering to get a decent tan. I called them crazy for not yet swimming and enjoying the water. And there I went enjoying the swim and floating while I daydreamed and listened to my own breathing. It’s the best feeling on earth to float among the sea waves and get lost with your thoughts under the bright sun and the clear blue sky.
I then freaked out when I saw myself in the mirror after taking a shower in the club. I became what my mother warned me not to be. I got a tan which I thought was extremely sexy and amazing but I know to my mom it’s TOO DARK and not nice! Hehe Well, I got yelled at, but hey when I remember the lovely sensation of floating under the sun and feeling the waters travel with you in waves made think: It’s WORTH ALL THE YELLING!!

P.S: Dynamic Deeds walla you missed it. I wish you could have made it. Next time inshalla (Whenever I'm allowed to go again =P )

Photos, Changes and Lessons.

2007-07-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

I was going through old albums looking at photos of when my siblings and I were really young. Young with dirty cheeks, clothes that had stains of all colors you could imagine, messy hair, face expressions only children would have and most importantly; we were being us - being purely natural. Looking at these photos also took me back in time. I could relive the moment when each photo was taken. I still remember when, why and how some photos were taken. In some photos I was very shy I wouldn’t even smile. In other photos where my mom had really done a great job keeping my hair and dress very neat, I would look so stiff with a forced smile. That is of course because I was never used to being so neat as a child. Not forgetting the fact that I never had sisters back then which meant that my role models were dirty messy brothers. So you could only imagine how hard it was for me to smile with glee to the camera. I just couldn’t wait to take off all the pinky stuff and put on my raggy shorts and go out to play on a pile of sand with my brothers and whoever else was there too.

Oh yes… how we’ve changed! Life really filled up our minds and brains. It’s not only life alone but in fact, the contribution first comes from within YOU. It comes from what your parents filled your spirit with. It’s the push behind your parents wise decisions and choices. It’s the guidance and escort from your parents. But most importantly it’s YOU who decided to follow these steps with acknowledgement.

Looking at those photos I couldn’t stop thinking - I never knew back then one little tiny bit of what I know today; I never expected to have the dreams I have today; I never even thought of thinking of what could today be like; I didn’t know how innocent I was and I definitely never thought of what I would be capable of doing today, let alone tomorrow! All these meditations kept rushing in and out my head. I then thought; What does man know anyways?! Man is week with his knowledge but according to his time he is certainly a mastermind, only to become tomorrow’s ignorance, for tomorrow a new genius shall stand.

Feelings grow with us as we grow. Photos are only kept to prove to us that we are still who we are - only a bigger, funkier, more rebellious version has taken shape. I still remember my pink blouse that had the drawing of a woman. I remember that if I were wearing it at night I would never go stand in front of a mirror because the reflection of that lady scared me. I remember how I kept checking all day if I turned into a werewolf yet - just because I had a nightmare on the subject. I still remember how I slapped my dad late at night when I was about four because he scolded me earlier that day. I will always remember the anger I carried when I was around certain people.

As children we all went through these feelings, but hey, have we ever noticed that the feelings are still as strong today as they were back then? As kids we got so scared and worried over silly things because compared to our age, the fear is just as big as it is of today. The fear that I got when I was 19 getting my "yatho0m" is just as strong as the fear I got when I was only about 5 or 6 watching the episode of Tom & Jerry where the witch comes along. Just imagine that! Anyway fear is just an example, there’s all kinds of feelings like sadness, nervousness and excitement.

All this really teaches me to never underestimate a child’s reaction to something. Just like how we have to take our cameras to the eye level of the interviewee or the scene of action, we should also take our minds and walk or play along our conversations putting in mind the level this child is seeing themselves in. When we were kids we needed that. I have temporarily moved to Live at my grandmother’s house and it opened my eyes to many things. I learnt that mood swings are your worst enemy and should be defeated in order to survive. You either kill your mood or lose the people. I’d rather choose none of the above. Instead, I’ll use people to please my mood and vise-versa; I’ll reshape my mood to please both, me and the people. So, yes we do take photos as lesson reviews besides as memories that could make us either smile or cry. And yes, we do learn from children around us because we were once the children surrounding other grownups. The plan isn’t for you only to grow and survive but also to play a role in helping and escorting the younger generation the same way other grownups held your hand lifting you up to the world and dreams you live today as a young grownup.

When I see a photo I see more than just an image. I see words, lessons, reflections and facts. You see how you’ve changed and how you can bring change to others. But best of all, you see that no matter how much "change" can affect the "you" inside you, you still grow to keep the "real" you somewhere inside.

However, if you lock yourself and your mind out of this world, you will find that little child in you again. Such a graceful moment that would be... !

I admit I have made mistakes in my life just like anybody else. The more mistakes I make, or the more balance I lose, the more attached I get to the innocent photos which remind me of who I am and what I was. Hopefully they would reload my spirit. But unfortunately, some photos take me to painful memories of sad times or evoke an old pain. However, I keep thanking Allah and my parents that I am who I am. I am proud of who I am and what I do and my dreams will build a stronger base until I could finally touch them and see them alive. I push everyone to pride because pride pushes away all the torpedoes life can offer along the way. Positive, optimistic pride is highly needed and recommended.

Natacha St Pierre

2007-07-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

Natacha St Pierre… she’s young… she’s Canadian from New Brunswick. Her voice and telent in singing and playing the piano are just impecable. There is not one song that I didn’t like; or maybe it’s because of her magical voice. My friend’s car is invaded by my Natacha songs hehehe.. Sorry S.MAD but come on I know you love all my CDs the way I love yours :P.

Anyway… here’s a list of my fav songs by her:

Un ange frappe a ma porte
Tant Que C’est Toi
De L’amour Le Mieux
Tu Trouveras
Sans Le Savoir
Tu M’envoles
Je T’aime Encore
Dans Mes Nuits

I would say her songs are perfect if you’re looking for relaxation.

When it’s time to go wild and crazy I have a different list of crazy Spanish songs which also already invaded S.Mad’s car =P

Translation: "Puertas Misteriosas"

2007-07-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have translated what I wrote under the title “Puertas Misteriosas” at the request of my friend “S.Mad”. =)
So here’s what I wrote and I wrote it when I was bored and just “breathing” letting a million thoughts flow in and out my head…. :

I find a door in front of me each time I reach a new stage in my life. Each door is a mystery. Each door is a story. Each door is an adventure… and each door has an answer. If people already knew what is behind every door in every stage of their life, then what would be the purpose of their existence? People are brought to life to search, learn, work and decide to take the right or wrong path. Finally, there is heaven and there is hell. The question is: Which door takes to heaven? Which door takes to hell?
Yes. Every door is a mystery and every door hides an answer!

Puertas Misteriosas

2007-07-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Encuentro una puerta delante de mí cada vez que alcanzo una nueva etapa en mi vida. Cada puerta es un misterio. Cada puerta es una historia. Cada puerta es una aventura... y cada puerta tiene una respuesta. Si la gente supiera ya cuál está detrás de cada puerta en cada etapa de su vida, entonces cuál sería el propósito de su existencia? La gente está en la vida para buscar, para aprender, para trabajar y para decidir tomar la trayectoria derecha o incorrecta. Finalmente, hay cielo y hay infierno. La pregunta es: Qué puerta lleva el cielo? Qué puerta lleva el infierno? Sí. Cada puerta es un misterio y cada puerta oculta una respuesta!

Note: Me disculpo si mi espanol tiene errores gramaticales. Intento mejorar mi espanol.

Body Combat

2007-06-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

This summer, just like every summer, I plan to do different things that would be of a nice change in my life. I look for something that would be new, useful, interesting and DIFFERENT. Usually, my plans remain un-acted words or just thoughts on hold! Yeah… yeah… this is me! But this summer I aimed and planned with a stronger willpower! As a result, I did not only apply for a summer job and actually started working, in fact, I have planned and decided to go to BODY COMBAT sessions at the Dubai Ladies Club along with my friend S.MAD.

S.MAD and I have similar interests and similar tastes in what we like and what we hate to do. We are always ready to try something new as we live the “ why not?” theory. So, I am working at Summer Planet and in August I intend to also change my job and work at a travel agency… one which my mother knows very well. It would be interesting and really beneficial.

So let me tell you about this BODY COMBAT. It is the new, different, interesting and useful thing that would spice up my summer. It’s a martial art with loud techno hip hop music. “it is the empowering cardio workout where you are totally unleashed”, is what most people would say about body combat. Anyway, Recently I have been attending the sessions and the more I go the more I get attached to it. The last time I did something like that was two years ago. So, guess what? I looked like a fool when I attended the first session. S.MAD on the other hand, is already well skilled at catching and keeping up with the rhythm of it all. *She does Taekwondo*.

Even though it's hard to get my muscles used to the pain of all the kicking, all the punching, all the jumping and attacking and dancing with the music, deep inside I just know that it's not only fun but also very good for my body. Enough of the laziness and the "potato couch" life !!! Time to add "LIFE" to my life!

PUNCH RIGHT...PUNCH LEFT...PUNCH RIGHT ...RIGHT.... KICK LEFT... "YAAAAAAA"......... KICK LEFT ...KICK RIGHT... PUNCH LEFT... AGAIN LEFT... LOWER RIGHT "HAYYYYYYYYY"! ...... hehehe

21 Candles Today

2007-06-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

A while ago, as one of my friends turned 21 I freaked out knowing that I would be next. 21 to me seemed like a big number. It’s not that we’re growing and getting older… no! That’s neither the case nor the issue. It just freaks me out how years seem to flash themselves so quickly before our eyes. It feels like only two days ago I celebrated my 7th birthday. Yet, somehow, it feels like any moment tomorrow I’ll be blowing my THIRTY candles… so soon. See what I mean? And I still find myself asking “When did all this happen?”

Speaking of my seventh birthday, I still remember that day very well. My mother got me a cake and got me a couple of those candles that never seem to EVER go out! I mean no matter how much I tried to blow and blow and blow, they would just be there shining brighter than ever. I then realized that they just wanted to laugh at me. So mean, yet sweet.

Days passed by and continued to pass as my life got filled with incidents and lessons…

Ten years later…

On my 17th birthday I remember I was lonely… my friends were all around me but I was going through a phase of confusion. Something very weird was going on in my head and mind. Believe it or not, I don’t know what was wrong but something inside me was aggressively rejecting every passing thought and idea!

My 18th birthday was peaceful. Things were extremely smooth and I was filled with hope, light, and pleasure. Things were in perfect balance and shape… everything! There were struggles here and there and sometimes things went extremely wrong urging me to do things I would never think of doing today. But after all, this is what growing up is all about. Oh yeah, I got my driving license too.

My 19th birthday was amazing. But wait till it got to its end. At the end of my 19th year, I found myself face to face with the consequences of every rule I secretly broke and every command I courageously fooled. It was the slap of reality that woke me up. Also, something very bitter happened opening with it the doors to a dark life. For months and months, when I thought life was perfect and amazing, I never realized how horrible it was until the end… until my 20th birthday approached! I decided that I hate my life and even more than anything I hated myself.

My 20th birthday… what can I say. It was interesting, I must say, and I felt like an adult. I felt that I have literally changed inside and out. It wasn’t the creation of what I wanted to be, it was the occurrence of what I MUST be… what I SHOULD be… what I’m SUPPOSED to be. Actually, I found myself automatically living my age. I became very logical in how I interacted with people. I started building my own territory drawing red lines where they should be, between me and the people around me (Because you see, not everyone is your friend and some people will never know how to appreciate you. Thus, not everyone is worthy of your respect). Things went into some sort of a logical balance. My interests became different, my intentions became more pure, my ambitions went higher, my aims were now beyond the stars and my relationships with everyone around me became more stabilized and most importantly: My mother and I no longer have aggressive misunderstandings. In fact, today we’re like best friends.

As my 21st birthday (today: 27th June) began to get closer and closer, I also noticed that in addition to all the positive changes that happened to me when turning 20, I today became more responsible in my actions and I stand on solider grounds. Also, losing my grandfather played a role in forming a new shape of faith and eventually what happened is: this improvement in my faith made me even more confident and added to my pride. Yes, it’s all about pride! In a world like ours, if you fail to feel proud then you no longer play a role, you no longer perfectly fit or exist. At least, that’s my opinion.

So today, I will be having 21 candles and as much as I was freaked out I must say that now I feel excited and so strongly encouraged… to continue living with pride, to run after my ambitions and make my dreams come true.

On my 21st birthday, if there is one wish within my heart I would just wish for my friends and family to be as blissful and close as they are today. Besides my family, my friends are the true warmth in my life for they make me smile, laugh, keep me safe and still they share my sorrow and wipe away my tears. I would name them one by one but they do know themselves so very well.

To all my friends, my birthday wish is to ROOOOOOOOOOOCK THE CITYYYYYYYYYYYY WILLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD with our AMAZING vim and vigor ;) and the 21 candles I blow today are dedicated to all of you.

Note to self: 21 ain’t old! 21 is elegant. (22 is “CHIC” though LOL)

Trepidation

2007-06-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

Let me talk about this weird trepidation and apprehendion I’m feeling lately. I’ve applied blindly for a summer job which I’ve been told is good. Usually people would get summer jobs at banks, companies, institutes or somewhere like that. But this summer job I got was at a summer camp that has been made up, apparently, by a group of people who know each other very well and organized/planned everything amongst them and themselves. Yes, this made me feel uncomfortable around them TODAY as I attended my first meeting with them. If you ask me, I’d say they weren’t as welcoming as I expected. However, my boss seemed nice… but still.

At first, they gave me a job description which sounded perfect and terrific… I gave them my “yes”. Then… one month passed and so the time came when I should go for an actual interview where I would be given all the required details and where I would meet my boss. Guess what? I came back with a face that looked more of a question mark. Just so you know, my neighbor is also having the same job and we were going together and will be working together. So yeah we were both shocked but what got to me is that SHE wasn’t as shocked as I was. She wasn’t even disappointed. Is she serious? I wonder!

So, now that I have confirmed my commitment, it would not look good to suddenly cancel and reject the job offer. They already relied on me. I guess it’s not an offer anymore as much as an obligation and a responsibility. What on earth made me go for a summer job like this? I wanted anything to put in my CV and even though the pay is very good, money is not an issue that’s why I am disappointed. It's because I wanted something that I would enjoyingly spend my time doing while gaining experience. There is no gained experience in this job as it’s not what I applied for. I’m really angry at this “we’re-not-so-clear-and-not-straightforward” act they gave me – so amateurish and unprofessional of them to do.

Still, here’s what I decided to do. I decided to stand up on my own feet and be responsible. Who knows, I might actually learn something from this experience. And who knows, maybe this harsh position I’m put in today, makes me stronger when facing my yet-to-come obstacles “sponsored” by “life”. To accept difficult times only reloads my energy and builds up my character reshaping the “Super Me” :P

After all, I’m a cancerian… an emotionally secretly-sensitive person! I have a hard “shell” that gives the impression that I am proudly strong, but wait to see my real weakness beneath it all. So yes, I decided to step up and give my self a lesson in life by accepting such an uncomfortable job. Call me crazy but if NOT while young and healthy, when else will I ever start TRYING life’s different stages and flavors.

Back to the here and now: Tomorrow I shall start working officially. I don’t know what’s waiting for me and it’s making me really nervous.

The only thing that’s keeping me calm now is the fact that my neighbor is going to be with me as my assistant wherever I go and whatever I do. Plus, like I said she’s my neighbor – not a stranger! ANY familiar face comforts me in a weird crowd even if this familiar face isn’t a friend and even if this familiar face is not someone you can rely on. Yes… *hint*.

Last Day...

2007-06-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of university and the beginning of the summer holiday. I hated how class went and for some reason something bugged me. So, I ended up having the worst mood ever. I still had 15 minutes before I left university.

I decided to go to Dr. Su’s office and say goodbye. She will be leaving us for good now. So I went there and we chit-chatted for a few minutes and that’s when she told me she was glad to know I won a Noor Ali Rashid photography award. I told her “No, I was one of the participants but I didn’t win. I didn’t even attend the event because something came up even though I made sure I got the invitation via Aramex”. “Are you sure you didn’t win, honey? Isn’t that your name here?” she asked surprised. I saw the names of the winners on the screen and to my shock my name was among the top three winners of the video category. It was weird that nobody even emailed to inform me. “I will have to go and talk to David”, I said! David is my Video Production teacher and is honestly one of the most respectful teachers I came across in my life.

I then went to David Burns’ office. It’s always a pleasure talking to him. He congratulated me and told me to go to Andrea for she has my award. “Go get from Andrea… but just a sec, let me see if she hadn’t sold it yet!” he said sarcastically.

So, yeah… it was a nice closure to this very long academic year.

Later that day… my friends and I went out for a nice light meal to chill out and peacefully spend time knowing that we have no more assignments to worry about or any more work to do! So… we went to Emi Mall and walked around, shopped a little and then met my friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and whom I really miss soooooooooo much. It has been really great. So, then, my friends and I sat at Piazza and had some Italian food. However, the best thing was dessert: Chocolate Crêpe + Chocolate Fondant. Yummy in the tummy as they say!

Then, I walked my other friends to their car where they gave me the invitation cards to some other friend and when I went back to my school friends they saw the card… One of them said “Oh my God. Your friend’s husband to be is my mom’s cousin!” So yeah… can the world get any SMALLER??

Well, what’s better than a peaceful evening spent with special friends who are closer to you than your soul…

P.S: I wanna go to the beach.

Before the Dawn

2007-06-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

"Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away

We'll be lost before the dawn... "

-- Evanescence

This shot has been taken in Al Warga where our new house is being built. It was last winter and it had just rained.

The Irony of Dandelions

2007-06-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

Dandelion… Is it just me or does dandelion occupy a special spot in everybody’s heart? Everybody grows up to remember how they once upon a time found dandelions here and there, collected them and started to blow them one after the other.
I remember when I was very little; I would go to this semi-alley thing outside our house and would find dandelion there in a corner. I would then take in my hand… hold it right in front of my lips and very gently blow them away. What’s the secret there, why did it make us smile? We were too young to actually realize the irony it carried with it.
When we were little all we did is see the brightest side of everything. We never saw otherwise. *Knock knock*… here we grow to learn that there are different faces and different sides to people, to objects, to acts, and to incidents, as well. Days are just as funny… or must I say: Just as ironic! One day you’re happy… the other you’re not. Then, you realize your happiness was nothing but your ignorance of what’s to become of your life…
But life goes on… and time starts running as clocks keep ticking. Just like how dandelion gets blown away and gets lost in the wind in a split second, we lose things in our lives…. Just like that!
Life is a lesson; you learn it when you’re through… and man will NEVER know what he has till it’s long lost and gone… This is the irony I’ve come to see in dandelion. Still, it will always be special to me.

Evoked Meditations

2007-06-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have realized along the years that there is so much that I still carry but as I grow older I learn to keep everything in my heart and let go of clinging so much. In a world like ours, a cancerian like me finds their memories as the most precious thing to their heart. And so I start going back in time through my thoughts and memories… … …

I was sensitive and silent but I used to notice things and speechlessly analyze them in my head. I saw how people dealt with others and saw how actions and reactions took shape. Between me and myself, I still do! Maybe that’s why I feel evoked by certain gestures… and maybe that’s why these memories, I can never let go of. They are meaningless to the whole world, but meaningful to me… and not even I know why.

Yet, I find myself guessing that it could be because my life went through changes rather more dramatically than I could handle. Or it could simply be the habit of every Cancerian. So far, all the cancerians I’ve known have the same characteristics as mine. We all tend to remember and reflect… we all tend to cling to very simple crazes that make up this pensive attach we get. We get so emotional; no wonder we are attached strongly to music and melodies; the instruments and tunes talk to our wistful souls.

Andrea Del Boca is evocative to me. That voice which brings to mind a thousand sensations all at once, takes me back to 1999. Jerks me back to that ‘Compaq’ in our old house’s (pink house) office where I sat for hours each day listening to “Te Amo”. I mean it; I listened for hours and hours. I can no longer find this song. I used to listen to “El Amor” as well. Luckily, I still have that same record with me. But Andrea Del Boca is no where to be found each time I start searching.

Sweet Potato… The smell of hot sweet potatoes makes me close my eyes and take in the deepest breath ever. I don’t only breathe in the air or the scent, I actually breathe in a universe of memories and images into my heart. I remember the winter of 1996. I can still see Gina walking in through that glass door, walking up the stairs putting the dish on the table. I would be lying on the floor of the living room with my eyes focused on the big TV screen either watching a movie or a game show. I would then hear Gina call me to eat. Yes, it was winter… it was cold and she would soothe us with the hot sweet potato slices dipped in sugar syrup. Still, I was a child with no worries and no cares whatsoever.

The summer of 1997, I remember I wore a blue jacket and spent hours at night in the garden of our house talking to Gina, sometimes to Rebecca… My parents were mostly out. I remember they had certain issues to deal with and often came late. They would suddenly leave the house and head to my grandfather’s house because they heard something about his health or so. I can still feel and feel the breeze of those nights making my hair dance in the air carrying to us different whispers and carrying away with it our own whispers and words.

I remember, one winter, I used to like to ride the bicycle up and down the streets of our neighborhood. I was in 6th grade… maybe 5th. But anyway, it is the smell of the rain that I go back to when remembering all this.

Still, the smell of cherry wood carries my emotions towards our second house in Mirdif. The first thing I smelt as I set my first steps into the house was the scent of cherry wood. This was more than a year ago. It felt awkward leaving the pink house to move into this one. also the smell of the swimming pool filled the corridors of that house. At that time, I was missing the smell of the lemon tree mixed with the humidity of Mirdif in our first house, the pink house! I also still hear the sound of the water hose between the little basil bushes of the garden. This basil scent took over the entire house inside and out. I remember how purple this flower was. I can almost still see and hear birds that never left our roof! I miss the noisy airplanes that flew over our house every five minutes. When we were kids, my brothers and I used to play outside and each time we heard a plane approaching we would quickly guess what flag it had on it.

It attacks me when I least expect it; this feeling of missing, of longing, of reflecting and wondering of what it used to feel like, yes, this feeling of nostalgia seems to know how to get the best of me. All these things I start seeing, smelling, and hearing, seem to haunt me all over again. I either end up with a broken smile or with tears on both my cheeks. … This and there is a billion other ruminations I still haven’t spoken of. So, yes, I’m not the right person to deal with ‘change’, but still, I try.

Where did they go?

2007-06-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

I find myself asking...

Where did all these years go? Where did the child “me” die? When did it all happen? I can swear that it all feels like a dream that just slipped away through the fingers of our hands… Just like the sands of time.

I am soon to become 21 years old. I was 6 years old only yesterday when I was sobbing sadly and silently behind my room’s door. Nobody knew why and nobody ever found me. I never wanted people to see me cry. Only I knew that I was sobbing because my eldest brother was teasing me over something I can’t remember now. I then shared my pain and complained to my other brother who’s only one year older than I am.

Both of us always shared childish adventures, risked everything and secretly broke a thousand rules everyday. What cares did we have? what worries kept us up all night? Nothing… it was simply childhood.

Time… Days really run and the years seem to run even faster. It was only yesterday when I walked into a room and saw something that attracted my eyes evoking my innocent childish curiosity. I walked towards a square peace of hard paper that looked very unusually shiny and smooth. I put my entire palm on it in attempt to grab it to look at it closely and check out what it could exactly be. Soon enough I was crying out of fear trying to get it off my hand… but it was perfectly stuck to my skin now. Yes, it was glue to capture rats and mice! Innocent childhood…! *Yes, this is when I learnt that curiosity DID kill the cat*

All those blameless days of naïve-ness and spotlessness of actions and dreams are today long gone. To me, they were days of weakness and discomfort for I was completely lost whenever without my mother or brother and whenever not home. I was a child who feared the whole world and trusted nobody but her own mother and her mother’s shadow! Such a cancerian character! In my head I always thought and acted in terms of my mother’s rules. I was no older than 7 or 8. Such a cancerian child I was.

I thought that chickenpox was the end of the world, I thought mosquito bites meant that I would die, I thought that when one of my eye lashes fell it meant I will soon end up losing all my hair, I totally believed that people on TV could see us watch them!

But no… seriously… when did all these years pass by? Years passed within a blink. Soon I became an independent individual… A grown up.

In Memory of Him

2007-05-31T12:49:00.000-07:00

On the 6th of March, this year, I lost a very dear person to me... I was only a matter of one door away when he left forever. Never was his choice to suffer all this pain. Never was his choice to make me cry for him. Never was his choice to make me sad. But, it was just his time to leave. With a great amount of faith, I let him go. I Kissed his forehead and whispered "goodbye" to his ears. I then got up to see that my tears have already covered his cheeks. I didn't want to let go...

A couple of nights I dreamt of him. In all the dreams he smiled to me, somehow.

This is a letter I wrote one day when I was drowning in the river of a billion thoughts and a hundred thousand feelings...

This is how it went :

Between me and myself…

At days like today when the sun is bright and the sky is blue; when I’d be listening to soft calming music or reading a relaxing book; when I’d be just sitting wondering about life or simply reflecting on who I once was; when I get flashbacks of the past and when I try to predict the future; as I march my way through my present; as I hold on tight to what I most believe in; when I sit face to face with myself, at days like this, I find myself still asking if it really is over. I ask repeatedly if he really had gone just like that.

It’s hard to believe the absence of a person whose existence was so deeply and strongly felt. This existence that once upon a time was seen, is today and forever felt even stronger. I feel him next to me if not watching over me. I feel him trying to show how he misses who he cherished the most. It ignites so many wistful tears to run and burn my cheeks each time I reflect on his judicious words and wise actions. His life was a true journey of ups and downs. He was never alone yet, never out of pain. For years he fought bravely his disease and patiently tried to bare the pain. We, but only we who cared, have lived in melancholy watching him struggle this battle. And only us, who really cared, have cried the bitterness of soreness and of grief. Yes, only us who cared.

And yes, at days like this I would be thinking of who I might become in the very next few years. But my thoughts never only stop there. I think of how sad it is not to have him see me become what I am finally capable of being; of how harsh it is on my feelings to remember how I’ve always worked hard to make him prouder and even prouder of us, us who loved him the most; and I also think of tomorrow and after tomorrow and even the days after that; when I would achieve even further or introduce to the world the new generation. Nope, this he will never see. Not today… but someday.

So dear grandpa, as I have learnt from life, your disappearance today is hard and unbearable; tomorrow maybe some will feel indifferent. But until that day, I shall mourn inside. And until that day, I shall smile back to you the way you smile to me in my dreams. And yes, at days like this I cannot stop thinking that someday we will all be gone, but only to meet again.

So here's a farewell from my generation to yours...

Yours until we meet;
Cancerian.

"Could This Be Love" - JLO

2007-05-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

A song I've been recently listening to nonstop... for a while now, is "Could This Be Love - Jennifer Lopez".
Not really a new song... yet, as a person who tends to feel nostalgia from time to time, I find my self attached to what this song is all about. The music itself seems to be have created only for the ears of a Cencerian :P, calm... simple... and as the Spanish say "Muy profundo" ( --> So deep) . It makes you feel infatuation when you are nowhere near love at all.

Here are the lyrics... (But lyrics without music won't create the atmosphere. SO, GO GET THE SONG!! :P)

--->
Love makes no promises
If you only knew, what i've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love

How, tell me how will I know
Will my heart make believe it's so
Or can I trust the way i feel
If you could read my mind
You see how hard I've tried
Still I can't decide

If you only knew, what I've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love
Oh, tell me could this be love
El amor no hace promesas

Do you know if it's true
That real love lasts a lifetime
Does it shine like the stars up in the sky
And do you know if you can fall for just a moment
Is a moment for all time
Why, why am I so unsure
Is that love knocking at my door
Or the sound of my beating heart

If you could read my mind
You know i just can't hide
What I feel inside
If you only knew, what I've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love
Oh, tell me could this be love
Could this be love
Could this be love
I wanna know

El amor no hace promesas
If you only knew
Love makes no promises

........ Told you it's profundo!

Life... A Yoga Class?

2007-05-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

“Life is a journey” – Cliché, huh? Well although it’s true and although I totally believe in the concept of life being as bumpy and as constantly changing as a journey, I just think that probably it’s about time I’ve come to realize that life, the journey, should be dealt with just like a yoga class.
I remember when I took yoga classes in high school we found some positions hard to perform. Sometimes we couldn’t stand still. Other times, we fell. Well, one day when I was trying to focus on the “flamingo” position I could hardly stand on my foot stably for more than ten seconds. *Pssst, sometimes less!*. My instructor walked towards me and taught me a very simple technique and told me this will help me throughout all my life. I didn’t bother to even get what she meant or even care to even believe. Funny how she was right!

This yoga technique is: Whatever you do, you always lose balance if your eyes are freely wandering around, not focused on one object. When I tried focusing on the clock that was hanging on the wall (aah, I still remember the clock with its Quartz sign), I saw how it really worked... this so-called technique. I stood like a flamingo for more than ten seconds… more than twenty, more than a whole lot of minutes now…! I stood for as long as my muscles could hold my body still.

I find it interesting how I suddenly decided to remember the words of this instructor.

But wait! I'm not talking about yoga as much as I'm talking about life ---

In life, we also need similar techniques for we are really ignorant of what is to become within our coming days. Just like how in yoga you focus on one nonmoving object to stay in balance; as if creating an invisible force that gives stabilizing gravity; you should know what you want from life and stick to it, as well. Spend all the time you need and think of the path you’d choose to continue your "journey" and then “act it”. But act it willingly and as strongly as the force that comes from your eyes when doing yoga.

This will lead to success. Not because you chose the right path but because the strength and stabilizing held you back from falling into puzzlement and profound ignorance... if you know what I mean.

However, I am not talking about success in the work field or success in academics nor am I talking about the success and triumph in business. I’m talking about your triumph in knowing what you want from life. I’m talking about “Do you know how to live without regrets? Even more important, do you know how to never create situations where you would eventually regret?”

This is when you sleep every night with a smile, when you wake up every morning with a blush of satisfaction, when you take in every breath without a rush. I never realized all these simple details that made me a happy person until they were gone. That’s when I realized I made a mistake somewhere in my life. I lost focus and I fell out of balance. Aaah, the technique. Focus must come back.

It is funny how this lesson was taught to me five years ago and I only came to realize it and believe in it today, rather than back then. What did I know back then? I knew much less than today. But certainly I grow to learn optimism… and optimism has a whole different story.

Hello to me.

2007-05-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

So, I finally openned a blog. That's all I'll say in my very first post. I'm just glad I didn't mess up the whole process of creating the blog. Hint/ I'm not a tech person at all. :p