In Memory of Him

On the 6th of March, this year, I lost a very dear person to me... I was only a matter of one door away when he left forever. Never was his choice to suffer all this pain. Never was his choice to make me cry for him. Never was his choice to make me sad. But, it was just his time to leave. With a great amount of faith, I let him go. I Kissed his forehead and whispered "goodbye" to his ears. I then got up to see that my tears have already covered his cheeks. I didn't want to let go...

A couple of nights I dreamt of him. In all the dreams he smiled to me, somehow.

This is a letter I wrote one day when I was drowning in the river of a billion thoughts and a hundred thousand feelings...

This is how it went :



Between me and myself…

At days like today when the sun is bright and the sky is blue; when I’d be listening to soft calming music or reading a relaxing book; when I’d be just sitting wondering about life or simply reflecting on who I once was; when I get flashbacks of the past and when I try to predict the future; as I march my way through my present; as I hold on tight to what I most believe in; when I sit face to face with myself, at days like this, I find myself still asking if it really is over. I ask repeatedly if he really had gone just like that.

It’s hard to believe the absence of a person whose existence was so deeply and strongly felt. This existence that once upon a time was seen, is today and forever felt even stronger. I feel him next to me if not watching over me. I feel him trying to show how he misses who he cherished the most. It ignites so many wistful tears to run and burn my cheeks each time I reflect on his judicious words and wise actions. His life was a true journey of ups and downs. He was never alone yet, never out of pain. For years he fought bravely his disease and patiently tried to bare the pain. We, but only we who cared, have lived in melancholy watching him struggle this battle. And only us, who really cared, have cried the bitterness of soreness and of grief. Yes, only us who cared.


And yes, at days like this I would be thinking of who I might become in the very next few years. But my thoughts never only stop there. I think of how sad it is not to have him see me become what I am finally capable of being; of how harsh it is on my feelings to remember how I’ve always worked hard to make him prouder and even prouder of us, us who loved him the most; and I also think of tomorrow and after tomorrow and even the days after that; when I would achieve even further or introduce to the world the new generation. Nope, this he will never see. Not today… but someday.

So dear grandpa, as I have learnt from life, your disappearance today is hard and unbearable; tomorrow maybe some will feel indifferent. But until that day, I shall mourn inside. And until that day, I shall smile back to you the way you smile to me in my dreams. And yes, at days like this I cannot stop thinking that someday we will all be gone, but only to meet again.

So here's a farewell from my generation to yours...

Yours until we meet;
Cancerian.

"Could This Be Love" - JLO

A song I've been recently listening to nonstop... for a while now, is "Could This Be Love - Jennifer Lopez".
Not really a new song... yet, as a person who tends to feel nostalgia from time to time, I find my self attached to what this song is all about. The music itself seems to be have created only for the ears of a Cencerian :P, calm... simple... and as the Spanish say "Muy profundo" ( --> So deep) . It makes you feel infatuation when you are nowhere near love at all.

Here are the lyrics... (But lyrics without music won't create the atmosphere. SO, GO GET THE SONG!! :P)

--->
Love makes no promises
If you only knew, what i've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love

How, tell me how will I know
Will my heart make believe it's so
Or can I trust the way i feel
If you could read my mind
You see how hard I've tried
Still I can't decide

If you only knew, what I've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love
Oh, tell me could this be love
El amor no hace promesas

Do you know if it's true
That real love lasts a lifetime
Does it shine like the stars up in the sky
And do you know if you can fall for just a moment
Is a moment for all time
Why, why am I so unsure
Is that love knocking at my door
Or the sound of my beating heart

If you could read my mind
You know i just can't hide
What I feel inside
If you only knew, what I've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love
Oh, tell me could this be love
Could this be love
Could this be love
I wanna know

El amor no hace promesas
If you only knew
Love makes no promises


........ Told you it's profundo!

Life... A Yoga Class?

“Life is a journey” – Cliché, huh? Well although it’s true and although I totally believe in the concept of life being as bumpy and as constantly changing as a journey, I just think that probably it’s about time I’ve come to realize that life, the journey, should be dealt with just like a yoga class.
I remember when I took yoga classes in high school we found some positions hard to perform. Sometimes we couldn’t stand still. Other times, we fell. Well, one day when I was trying to focus on the “flamingo” position I could hardly stand on my foot stably for more than ten seconds. *Pssst, sometimes less!*. My instructor walked towards me and taught me a very simple technique and told me this will help me throughout all my life. I didn’t bother to even get what she meant or even care to even believe. Funny how she was right!

This yoga technique is: Whatever you do, you always lose balance if your eyes are freely wandering around, not focused on one object. When I tried focusing on the clock that was hanging on the wall (aah, I still remember the clock with its Quartz sign), I saw how it really worked... this so-called technique. I stood like a flamingo for more than ten seconds… more than twenty, more than a whole lot of minutes now…! I stood for as long as my muscles could hold my body still.

I find it interesting how I suddenly decided to remember the words of this instructor.

But wait! I'm not talking about yoga as much as I'm talking about life ---

In life, we also need similar techniques for we are really ignorant of what is to become within our coming days. Just like how in yoga you focus on one nonmoving object to stay in balance; as if creating an invisible force that gives stabilizing gravity; you should know what you want from life and stick to it, as well. Spend all the time you need and think of the path you’d choose to continue your "journey" and then “act it”. But act it willingly and as strongly as the force that comes from your eyes when doing yoga.

This will lead to success. Not because you chose the right path but because the strength and stabilizing held you back from falling into puzzlement and profound ignorance... if you know what I mean.

However, I am not talking about success in the work field or success in academics nor am I talking about the success and triumph in business. I’m talking about your triumph in knowing what you want from life. I’m talking about “Do you know how to live without regrets? Even more important, do you know how to never create situations where you would eventually regret?”

This is when you sleep every night with a smile, when you wake up every morning with a blush of satisfaction, when you take in every breath without a rush. I never realized all these simple details that made me a happy person until they were gone. That’s when I realized I made a mistake somewhere in my life. I lost focus and I fell out of balance. Aaah, the technique. Focus must come back.

It is funny how this lesson was taught to me five years ago and I only came to realize it and believe in it today, rather than back then. What did I know back then? I knew much less than today. But certainly I grow to learn optimism… and optimism has a whole different story.

Hello to me.

So, I finally openned a blog. That's all I'll say in my very first post. I'm just glad I didn't mess up the whole process of creating the blog. Hint/ I'm not a tech person at all. :p