In Memory of Him

On the 6th of March, this year, I lost a very dear person to me... I was only a matter of one door away when he left forever. Never was his choice to suffer all this pain. Never was his choice to make me cry for him. Never was his choice to make me sad. But, it was just his time to leave. With a great amount of faith, I let him go. I Kissed his forehead and whispered "goodbye" to his ears. I then got up to see that my tears have already covered his cheeks. I didn't want to let go...

A couple of nights I dreamt of him. In all the dreams he smiled to me, somehow.

This is a letter I wrote one day when I was drowning in the river of a billion thoughts and a hundred thousand feelings...

This is how it went :



Between me and myself…

At days like today when the sun is bright and the sky is blue; when I’d be listening to soft calming music or reading a relaxing book; when I’d be just sitting wondering about life or simply reflecting on who I once was; when I get flashbacks of the past and when I try to predict the future; as I march my way through my present; as I hold on tight to what I most believe in; when I sit face to face with myself, at days like this, I find myself still asking if it really is over. I ask repeatedly if he really had gone just like that.

It’s hard to believe the absence of a person whose existence was so deeply and strongly felt. This existence that once upon a time was seen, is today and forever felt even stronger. I feel him next to me if not watching over me. I feel him trying to show how he misses who he cherished the most. It ignites so many wistful tears to run and burn my cheeks each time I reflect on his judicious words and wise actions. His life was a true journey of ups and downs. He was never alone yet, never out of pain. For years he fought bravely his disease and patiently tried to bare the pain. We, but only we who cared, have lived in melancholy watching him struggle this battle. And only us, who really cared, have cried the bitterness of soreness and of grief. Yes, only us who cared.


And yes, at days like this I would be thinking of who I might become in the very next few years. But my thoughts never only stop there. I think of how sad it is not to have him see me become what I am finally capable of being; of how harsh it is on my feelings to remember how I’ve always worked hard to make him prouder and even prouder of us, us who loved him the most; and I also think of tomorrow and after tomorrow and even the days after that; when I would achieve even further or introduce to the world the new generation. Nope, this he will never see. Not today… but someday.

So dear grandpa, as I have learnt from life, your disappearance today is hard and unbearable; tomorrow maybe some will feel indifferent. But until that day, I shall mourn inside. And until that day, I shall smile back to you the way you smile to me in my dreams. And yes, at days like this I cannot stop thinking that someday we will all be gone, but only to meet again.

So here's a farewell from my generation to yours...

Yours until we meet;
Cancerian.