Devastated

Lately my health hasn’t been quite what I have expected it to be. I thought I’m healthier, I thought I ate better, I thought I was getting stronger and I thought the enzymes in my tummy were giving me a break as I avoided citrus fruits as much as possible. The last time I had serious pain because of the enzymes was because my tummy was usually empty. It shocked me at the moment and I told the doctor that I think I'm eating more than enough. She said I have more enzymes in my body than I should, thus the acids burn the food immediately and they burn the insides of my tummy if I don't eat a light meal every two hours.

Everything was perfectly fine for a while. Apple juice started to play a role in my life instead of the usual orange juice… and instead of my favorite refreshing mint lemonade. Sometimes, I have no idea what goes wrong but the pain starts killing me again. It feels as though an elephant is resting on my chest preventing me from breathing. At some point it feels as though a fire is set to burn my intestines and the very insides of the walls of my tummy. No lungful of air seemed to carry enough oxygen to get over the pain.

I am feeling it now. It is devastating… Yes, it’s not a serious disease, thank God, and yes it’s not fatal, thank God, and yes there are worse cases, may God help them. Nevertheless, what I feel is affecting me rather psychologically.

The last two days have been hell for me. I don’t remember I ever easily cried in front of my mother, let alone crying on her shoulders. Last night I literally cried on her shoulders and hugged her as I told her how I felt weak. In other words my message to her was: Mom, I need you. It was hard for me to let all these emotions out. It's just not me to do so.

Funny how no matter how much you think you’ve grown up, you still feel this need. I know I said 'funny', but I just know it’s totally normal.

It was about 2:00 in the morning and she was asleep. My call woke her up and she came to me when I insisted she comes because I had something serious to talk to her about. Yes, something very serious just hit my realization and I finally came to see how dangerous it could be and so I told my mother. It bothered me so much, even more than the acids in my tummy itself. It made my tummy problem get worse and hence got to me psychologically.

Today… I went to the hospital. The doctor checked on me entirely with and without clothes. I never felt like I needed someone’s help and I never felt so openly close to my mother.

You know when you panic you really say things you never think you’d say. When I was crying earlier at night, and I was crying like a child, I told my mother that I love her more than any of my siblings do, that I feel sad each time she’s in pain and that I cry when she gets sick...etc. I hugged her so tight when she was just so shocked that all these words came out of my mouth. I’m known for being the person who never speaks of/about their emotions. She told me she’ll call a doctor in the morning for both my tummy and my other problem that’s been torturing my thoughts for a while.

Back to what the doctor had to finally say… she gave me good and bad news. Both of which I don’t want to speak of. Everything is just fine but I just need some time until it all sinks in my head and until I really get over the trauma of it all.

So… I’m psychologically very devastated and in need to change my surroundings. I’m moving to my grandma’s house. It’s an hour and a half drive. I’m taking a good book, a collection of good movies and there I will spend quality time reading, watching TV and movies and going to the beach. I will leave my phone behind, if not switched off. Something in me is just not well.

Well, I’ll be away for about a week or more. See you all…. Take care and enjoy your time.

P.S: Yes, I’ll miss everyone. And I’ll miss blogging…

Yours; Canc3riaN